December 25, 1992

232. Dear God, What Is This Life?

What is this life?
Dear God, what is this life?
Never am I happy.
So joyous,
What I always dreamt of,
What I always wished for,
What I always prayed for,
Sitting quietly in my hands.
How I cursed You,
And how I begged You,
Both at the same time.
How I tormented my heart
Fighting with You,
Pleading with You,
Please, just make me happy.
I fought seventeen long, quiet years--
Bitter, bitter years.
I fought so hard,
Just to make myself happy,
And one day,
One quiet day,
Walking alone at that school--
I can’t even remember now
What it was like being there--
I crossed her path...
Crossed her...
God, those eyes,
That hair,
That smile.
How I wanted to hold her,
Embrace her,
Feel the warmth of her love.
God, I wanted that more
Than anything in all the world.
And she gave it to me.
She took me away from it all
And placed the world in my hands.
And here I sit now,
Regretting more than anything
In all of my life,
That You made my dream come true,
That she made my dream come true.
And what did I do?
Just like everything else
In this quiet life,
I took it
And I threw it all away.
I threw it all away.
My dream came true,
So that I would know what it was like
To lose it...
Now my spirit is gone,
My heart is gone,
This world of love,
It’s all gone.
From here until eternity’s end,
From here until the day
I breath my last,
Write my last verse,
Never, never...
I swear by You...
Will I love another as her.
And I can only hope,
And I can only pray,
That sometime from now,
Happy in her world without me,
That she will remember,
Just remember what we shared,
For one split second,
And know,
Know that the life I live now,
The words that I write,
The words that I will write,
So help me, God,
Will always...always...
Reflect the beauty
       Of those gorgeous, loving brown eyes.......

231. "Happy Christmas..."

Sitting here, quietly,
Like I have so many days before,
Clouds closing in around me,
Staring, Gazing, Watching, Admiring
This quiet, somber, beautiful picture of you:
Your hands wrapped around mine,
My arms wrapped around your waist,
That smile so joyous, so beautiful--
God, you were so beautiful--
We were so beautiful, you and I.
And now, look where we’re at;
Apart, separate, different lives,
Hoping, praying, that one day, we’ll cross again...
That one day I’ll look into those eyes
And they’ll look back,
And when I say, “I love you,”
They’ll say, “I love you, too.”
God, how I constantly recall the memories we made.
The dances, the smiles, the waves, the laughter, the tears.
So quiet are they now...
So quiet are the memories.
So many Holidays... of the first nights that we spent together.
Christmas...Christmas joy and cheers and the smiles that I never knew.
      Your Christmas tree at your house; I’ll never forget the way we decorated it,
      just you  and me, laughing and smiling, wondr’ing what tomorrow would bring.
      We were so happy then.
I often wonder sometimes if you remember...if you remember the memories.
How can I forget Your Birthday?  January Nineteenth.  The day was spent together
      sharing, cherishing, wondering what life would bring to us.  You were only
      sixteen.  The world was at your feet...I was at your feet.  I would have done
      anything in the world for you.
      And you sit here now...sit here, reading these words...the words of this
      tormented, childish boy who would not away...but run on his own
      sword for you.
      Dancing, laughing, sharing the most joyous of your birthdays with you.  The
      day you tried not to be daddy’s little girl anymore.  The day that you began to
      struggle to be a woman.  How I remember that night...holding you.  If I could
      count the times I had tears in my eyes...the times they almost fell during that
      one single night that I shared with you, then maybe, just maybe, you would
      know just how much you and your heart, and the little things...the little things,
      the roses, Valentine’s Day, the Christmas tree, sitting on the couch
      holding each other, the movies, all meant to me.
Look to the back roads, the back streets of your mind, where I’ll always be.
Wandering, wandering through
The rooms in my head,
I sit there.
And there isn’t one room;
Not a single room in all my mind,
Where there’s not a memory of you.
“Happy Christmas, Baby.”
For I’m sitting here,
A year after we shared our last Christmas,
Thinking how I love you...
      How I love you more than all the world.
God, help me fight back these tears
      So that I may finish!...
Finish these words so that I may get on with my life.
As I said before, before these words choked up my spirit
And let these tears fall,
It was the little things....the little things that we shared...
      that always made me...made me want to live...
And now, they are all gone;
Gone never to return.
Sitting here, in a house full of people.
Hiding in my own little room,
The door locked, the room quiet...
So much joy and cheer all around the house
And all I can do is cry.
Staring at this picture, the frame,
Wondering what it really meant to you
And what it means now,
For I fall now to my knees in this solitude,
Raise my hands, my teary eyes to the sky,
Knowing that you’re sitting so far away.
yet so close,
Happy, joyous in your new life,
Your life without me,
And do you know what I say?
Amid these tears so strong that I cannot breath,
I look to the sky and I say,
“Happy Christmas, Tiffany...happy Christmas...”
            How I miss you.  The tears will not stop.......

230. Two Turtle Doves

    I walked up to you under a bright midday sky, my hands cradling two small ceramic turtle doves.  You smiled your smile and looked into my eyes.  I said not a word, but placed one of the doves into your hand and held the other tightly in mine.  You asked me what I was doing, and I said to you this...

Tell Me, My Friend...
    Have you ever heard the story of the two turtle doves, flying briskly through the wind, wings spanning across the azure sky, soft like the twilight, white against the background?
My Friend, You Have Not?
Then On With My Tale I Shall Tell...

    Two turtle doves soaring through the air, not a care in all this world, only existing for each other.  They call to each other in a soft, beautiful language only they can understand.  And when the speak, they speak one of life’s little uncertainties.  They speak none of doubt, or even worry.  They only frolic in the sky, gazing at sunset after sunset, far above the world, eternal, graceful, more beauteous than anything in all the universe’s wonders.  Many men from the beginning of time have prayed to the Heavens above so that the two turtle doves shall last, flying, gliding on the wind, forever.
    Once upon a spring’s eve, a harsh wind blew from the north, bringing cold and rain across the sky.  The turtle doves fought the storm, pushing on, for they knew that if they could not fly, they would fall to the ground and all in the sky would be wrong without them.  Harder and harder they pushed on, into the wind, away from the wind, under the wind, over the wind...nothing seemed to overcome this evil storm, and by and by, they were separated.
    One turtle dove awoke along the sandy shore of a quiet stream.  He opened his eyes slowly, remembering how he fought to stay with the other turtle dove through the storm.  The remembering hurt his little heart.  He looked all around, flew everywhere near, and to his sadness, could not find his companion.  He thought then, I am alone and I need not hurt myself by looking.  Yet, now, fallen out of the sky, standing on the shore, he felt conceit and wondered, I can make it on my own, can’t I?  The world’s evil could not reach him in the sky, but no, on the ground, it was grabbing hold of him.
    He gave up his search for his companion and said, I can make it on my own.  He then scanned the shore and walked over to the stream’s edge to take a drink, and just then, a sly, shadowy fox looked over the tall grass and spied the turtle dove, all alone.  Swiftly, the fox leapt out...
    At the same time, his companion woke high atop a tree, her feet far from the ground.  Somehow she had been placed gently on a branch by the rough storm.  She looked not around, not even to see if she was hurt, for the first thing in her mind was her love that had been lost.  She quickly sprang into the sky, her eyes searching.  Hours passed, hour after hopeless hour.  She began to feel it was of no hope, but she knew her life was not complete without him, her companion in the sky.  She never have up hope, and finally, she came to a stream and recalled how he loved to drink from warm springtime streams.  She swooped down to the bank and cried a horrid shriek as she saw four white feathers trampled into the sand.
    Her eyes darted everywhere, love’s passion deep in her little heart.  It was then that she saw the fox, its full attention looking into a small hollow log.  The fox was pawing inside, trying desperately to reach its hiding prey.  Such a peaceful creature was she, yet flying now, towards the fox, a blissful passion boiled in her heart and nothing would stop her, not even death.  With fiery eyes, she swooped down on the fox, crying as loud as her lungs would allow.  The fox turned its head towards her and tried to duck out of the way, but she crashed her beak on his head and he cowered away.
    She was much too small to hurt the sly, shadowy fox, but what she did do was turn his attention away from her love just a second and he flew up into the sky, away from the evil of the land below.
    Quickly, she met him in the sky, her wing touching his, and they streamed up, higher and higher, playing and frolicking as they had before.  They vowed then, flying towards the rainbow the storm had left in the sky, that they would never separate again, never want to live without each other, and even if fate played another cruel game and split them up like the storm had, they vowed to each other to fight until life was no more, to return to each other again.

And now, My Friend, I Tell You Another Tale...

    Looking up into the sky, I saw two doves and remembered what they meant, symbolizing togetherness for all eternity, so open your hand My Friend (My Love), to you, I give one small ceramic turtle dove to keep with you all your life, and I am to keep the other.  In your hands, nurture it.  In your eyes, admire its beauty.  In your heart, let love grow for it, for in your heart, you must know, my turtle dove is being nurtured, admired, for all eternity...just like you.  From this day forward, remember this tale I’ve told, for it is a tale of me and of you......

229. Crying On Christmas

A year ago today,
       You brought tears to my eyes
              When you gave me a glass frame,
                     And in it...a picture of us.
My life was so happy.
       I thought it was always perfect.
              Never again would I cry
                     Unless it was a happy tear.
Now it's gone by,
       Complete...a full year,
              And I sit here crying,
                     Knowing your smile,
                            your eyes,
                                   your lips that kiss,
All belong to another--
       And the worst pain of all
              Is that your heart -- my one true love --
                     Has gone away,
Running freely about that heart of another;
       Running like the tears across my midnight sky,
              That will, like the Heavens, never,
                                          never die...

228. Remembering What Could Have Been

I’ve seen a child being born
Into this world of uncertainty.
The sparkle in the eyes
When first mother laid glance
On her newborn son.
What wonders these images recall
Of how life can come and go,
Be short, or last a century long,
And yet, it is love
That can last beyond life,
Making us wonder how to find
A love to outlast mortal life,
Forever, into eternal bliss.
There are so many distant, meaningless words;
Yet, there are also
Such beautiful, wondrous words of miracle,
Yet neither will ever do
To describe how I felt
When you said to me
“I might be having your baby.”
My heart was caught in a whirlwind--
I knew not what to say,
Only pray that you were wrong,
For our lives were still too young,
So many dreams unfulfilled.
I listened to you cry so many times,
Day passing day, praying you were wrong,
Yet somehow, deep in my heart,
I had never felt so close to you before.
It was a two-sided bliss
Shadowed by doubt and fear,
A happy smile under falling, painful tears.
We struggled and fought
Through adversity together
Until we found we were wrong,
And there was no baby to bear.
I remember us being happy,
Yet, at the same time a little sad
That the possibility of life’s miracle
Had come and gone so soon.
All the better, I thought,
For she is only seventeen and you one year older...
I can’t say I’d have been happy
Had there been a baby there,
Yet I can’t say that I wasn’t saddened
When I prepared for the worst,
     Only to find we had not given life
     So that our lives would still look upon
     Our futures and not dreams’ end......

December 18, 1992

227. To Share A World

When memories pass over shadowed dreams
And the nightmares I once called my life,
I sometimes wonder how I made it through
And even what I'm still doing alive.
Forever in doubt, the days were cold,
The nights, desperate cries for help.
During the alcoholic afternoons
Of those lazy, misguided days,
I dreamt time and time again
Of a constant, trembling fear;
The fear that my life of such wondrous words
Would never matter to another soul,
And that from my birth through my final verse,
I would forever live a life alone.
Faces and names have come and gone
Since I dreamt of such heartache.
Some faces to be remembered, some forgotten,
Few to be embraced, many to be pushed away,
Yet, never did I meet someone
To take away my fear of loneliness
Until my life was blessed and I realized
Last night, I met
      the girl of my dreams;
Funny how I've known her
      all these long years.
Right before my eyes, she had to teach me
Of what happiness and love meant
Through her loving eyes and stubborn smile.
She put the nightmares in the past
And made my life heavenly, passionate bliss
So that one day we could share a world
Where nothing matters but happiness
      and the life we are destine to share...

December 17, 1992

226. Now I Leave You Behind

Put into your mind, my young angel,
Who thinks she's seen enough of the world
To tell me about life,
This ghostly image.......
Picture the sea crashing against the shore
With a large, glowing sun
Directly in front of your eyes,
Falling slowly behind the horizon.
Now see me, the boy you once loved,
Walking away from you towards the ocean,
Never looking back to you,
Only pushing steadily on,
Until finally, I disappear
Into the sea of my destiny.
Does this image strike your heart
Or is it still too cold to care?
Either way, whichever your heart will chose,
Remember that you pushed me away
When you try to come into my life again.
For when I am there, there with our dreams,
And you are nowhere to be found,
Though I may miss you, I will not feel pain.
I will only remember how I gave you everything
And you repaid me by going away
And coming back to me with a cold heart,
The same cold heart that one day you will see in me...

225. You Left Me Behind

Last night under a starry sky
       Along the shore
              Of an Ocean Blue,
I tried to recall
       What life was like
              Before you were my world.
All the years I spent alone,
       Crying night after night
              Under an alcoholic breath,
Were the root of my fears,
       Struggling to have a love
              I could call my own.
How cruel, you tease my heart,
       Giving me all I dreamt of
              And promising it to me,
So that just as I felt secure,
       You pulled it all away,
              As now, you only laugh.
Just remember, my dear,
       For a short time
              Our lives were one,
But I can see you’ve already forgotten,
       Forgotten our dreams,
              Just like you forgot
                     How much you loved me
My heart was murdered by merciless lies,
       Knives to cut out my teary eyes,
              And again we live separate lives,
                     Two different stories...
But also remember this:
       All the world shares one sunset
              And though you pushed me away,
                     Don’t forget to watch your back,
For when you turn around
       To see what is behind you,
              Your eyes may startle you to see
                     The past you threw away
                            Catching up with you...

224. After You Broke My Heart

So many long days it seems
   Since last pen kissed these pages,
      That I fight to remember
         Just what it was like
            To write a loving world
               And feel joy in my heart.
Here I sit, all alone,
   Trying to recall the love
      We promised to each other,
         The love to stun all the word
            And last forever through storm,
               Yet it has all gone away now.
How can you say
   That you will always love me
      When you left me and went away,
         Only to come back to me,
            And under teary eyes say,
               “I don’t know if I love you still.”
For year after year
   I could sit here and cry,
      Plaguing my conscience
         And asking myself why,
            But I think you, the one who left me,
               Don’t even know why you did.
Show me how you feel
   That I could make you a queen
      And give you the world,
         Yet your childish games
            And eye for a world of fantasy
               Took you and your heart away.
Nevertheless, I’ll turn and go,
   Run so very far away
      From the dreams
         We once called our own,
            But I beg of you one thing;
               Do not follow me to spite me.

For when I turn to leave
   After you’ve broken my heart,
      I want only one thing
         In all this twisted world,
            And that is for you
               To be gone from my life.
As we both know,
   All you will do,
      If you remain in my sight,
         Is torment my love
            And make me fall and beg
               For just one more night.
So now, take back the seed...
   The seed of love you planted
      Deep inside my heart
         And run away again,
            Never to return,
               For when you loved me no more,
                     A scar you left, never to fade,
                     Until my tears look on you no more.

223. Because You Love Me No More

Soft was the summer breeze,
Dancing through the trees
As I put hand into the sky,
And looked out through teary eye
To solemnly ask myself why
So many times in my short life
Have I borne this torch of strife.
Why, oh why, does this heartache
Make me want to run a stake
Into my heart that cries my tears,
A heart not to recover for a thousand years?
I ask my stars each and every night
To bless me and to give me might
So that one day I may look at you
And not cry until my eyes have turned blue.

October 16, 1992

222. Starting Over

Sitting quietly along the shore,
Listening to the waves crash
Upon the soft, white sand,
I shut my eyes to the beauty
And listened to the voices
Dancing through my mind.
So many different voices,
Each pulling me apart
In an opposite direction,
Telling me to go a way
I no longer wish to travel.
I remember the dark nights,
Alcoholic afternoons,
And all the hardships,
And still, I cannot forget
What the happiness meant
To me during the days
When love was all my own,
Yet, I know that when all is done,
It is time to move on
And put to rest yesterday
And all the voices trying to hold me back.
It was then that I opened my eyes,
Stood, and left my disappointment behind.
I turned from the ocean I once knew,
Setting my heart on making my sunsets dreams of you...

October 1, 1992

221. First Day At College

So many quiet sounds,
The wind blowing the trees,
Birds softly echoing songs
And so many silent prayers afoot.
Such faces I see here,
Some stark with seriousness,
Some joyous with laughter.
Some gorgeous as a soft white rose,
Others stone-cold with plainness,
Yet stuck solid in all their dreams.
This young man sitting here,
How I wonder why he is here.
What dreams are behind his
Broad face and that uncombed hair?
Where does he long to be,
And where has he come from?
The young lady sitting across from me
With the shallow green eyes and golden strands,
Sketching a picture of a boy sitting under a tree;
What dreams and hopes wander there?
Where will she be ten years from now,
And will she still somehow remember today?
Such beauty could only see beauty,
Yet, why does she look to me with a smile?
So many thoughts in so many open minds,
Yet, what will I come to know as true?
Does she wonder the same as I?
Today I started my life
And left the life of my family and friends behind,
For this future is mine,
And these are my dreams and hopes...
To know ten years from now
I’m sitting here, living the right dream...

September 30, 1992

220. While You Were Away: "Disappointed"

What words can I find
To tell you how I feel?
Such dreams we shared,
Such memories we’ve made,
(Already seeming to fade with time)
Yet, now, the story seems to end.
I’ve cried so, so many tears
And now, there is nothing left to do,
But take time to wonder
Just what it was all for.
Now, I can only look to tomorrow,
And though I’ll never dance
Upon the evening sky
As I once did with you,
I’m venturing onward to find
A heart that won’t leave me...
       To feel so disappointed.......

219. While You Were Away: What If She Had Never Left

              He watched the colors fade,
              They dim...
              He tried to keep open his eyes,
              For he wanted to see her,
              Yet as he waited and waited,
              Sleep gripped his frame.
              All fell to black...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       However many times I recall this tale over and over in  my mind, I cannot help but wonder if it could have been me...
       He always remembered the first time they spoke, yet he was never quite sure of the first day they met.  Well, now it seemed as if she’d always been in his arms.  he swept her off her feet, like any Romantic should, yet his heart, soul and mind were all of true intent.  They had grown close quickly and fell in love with such bliss.  he loved her more than anything in all this world, or any other.  He sought out the best - the best gifts, the best places, the best times, the greatest of love, and for her, topped them over one more.  Deep in her heart was a wondrous happiness he had never known.  Their love was inseparable, their hearts, inseparable...well, at least until the story truly began on that rainy, dreary morning in the month of May...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       He sat quietly next to her in the car, watching the soft raindrops fall quietly upon the windshield.  He held her so close to him, feeling her touch, longing to show her just how much he loved her.  he touched her fingernails and ran his hand over the ring he gave to her.  With  each new day they faced in the  world together, he was falling deeper and deeper into the life he wanted to share with her.  Yet, as he drew near to kiss  her, he felt the sweat on her palm and saw her eyes look away.  He pulled away to look at her, yet she still did not look into his eyes.
       “What’s wrong, my love?” he asked tenderly, worried that something was bothering her.
       “Nothing,” she said as her eyes looked to him for a split second and then darted away.
       “Why won’t you tell me?” he asked, his countenance painted with loving concern.
       “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
       “Why not?” he asked, puzzled.  “If something’s bothering you, shouldn’t we talk about it?”
       “Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.” she said quietly under her breath.  He sat up and listened anxiously, his eyes admiring her beauty and the love they shared.  “Well,” she said, looking into his eyes for the first time all morning, “a friend of mine is planning on taking a trip this summer to Spain, and I’m considering going.”
       He looked to her, his eyes already watering.  “For how long?” he asked, hiding his tears.
       “Not long at all,” she said quickly.  “Only about two or three weeks.  I know I promised you this summer that we would be together everyday, but...”
       She trailed off as he looked away from her in confusion.  He wondered why she wanted to leave his side and run so very far away.  She had always said that she wanted to live somewhere else, but he coped for she told him she stayed in this horrid place for him, yet now, she wanted to take away the summer she promised to him, the one boy in the world who would have run on his own sword for her.
       “Well,” she said, trying to win back his glance, “don’t worry.  I probably won’t end up going anyway.”
       He gave a phony smile, trying to reassure himself, for her felt that is she loved him as she said, why would she want to leave?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

              Walking in the evening air,
              Standing on the shore where
              First he gave her a part
              Of his warm, tender heart.
              He gazed over the sea he adored
              And prayed to his Lord
              That she who he loved more than his life
              Would not leave to bear his strife.
              He pleased with her, even fell to his knees,
              The tears in his eyes cold like the evening breeze,
              And asked her not to run away,
              But to love him and to stay.
              She smiled; said she didn’t want to go,
              But wanted to hold him to show
              All the world the love she felt,
              And even with tears she dealt.
              “Fear none,” she said, “for me love will prevail,
              And away from you, I shall never set sail.”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       The sun was slowly setting beyond the trees and the beautiful landscape of abundant greens and shady browns as he stared across the grassy meadow.  The twilight pierced his eyes as he held the fair maiden’s hand, her dark hair swaying at his breath, her eyes glimmering at his glance.  Quietly, they walked through the park, hand-in-hand, stopping occasionally in the shadows of the trees to hold each other tight.
       “You look so beautiful, my love, “ he said with a sigh.  She looked to the ground, her cheeks blushing as they did whenever he told her so.  “I never want this to end.  I never want to leave you, or for you to leave me.”
       At this, her blush ran from her face and the nervousness took control of her wandering eyes.  “I’ve been thinking of the right way to tell you this, and the right time, because  I  want you to know that I really  do love you so, but I’ve decided what  I  want, and I leave for Spain next month.”
       The words shook his frame and he tried to fight his tears.  He couldn’t believe what he heard, that she who said she would never leave, never do anything to hurt him, decided to leave him.  With such pain in his heart, all he could manage to utter was, “How long?”
       “Twenty-eight days,” she said, smiling, ignoring the frown on his face.
       “I just have this horrible feeling, “ he confessed, holding back the tears, “that when you return, the first time you see me once you are back, that something will have changed and we will never be the same.”
       “Don’t be silly,” she said with a smile.  “What could change in a month?  It’s not like I’m leaving you,” she reassured herself, yet she knew she was...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       Until the day she left, he struggled in torment to understand why his love was going away.  She told his that it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, but the again, so is true love.  He wept and worried silently and alone, for she told him she didn’t want to see him cry because it upset her, and naturally he, out of love, hid his pain and his tears, even down to the last second when she drove away, his eyes not to see her for thirty-two days...
              Wretched, cursed tears, how I tried to hide you,
              So that she could not make out your frame on my face.
              She needed to see you not, but so I would think,
                                  neither did I.
              You know she is to leave, but I ask you, cursed tears,
                                  what may you do?
              Ease her leaving, you wretched fool,
              Be gone, cursed tears, until after...
                     after your eyes have looked upon her the last,
              For tears may make her want to stay here in this horrid place,
                     and deep inside, you know she wants to go away.
              Why keep her here if she will not be happy?
              Hold you back, I will, cursed tears,
                     so that you will not sway her favor,
              For what matters is not me, but what is in her heart,
                     as we both know if she wanted to stay, she should,
                     and if she wants to run away, nothing will stop her,
                                  and she will go,
                     so why should you make her feel the same pain I do?
              Oh, cursed tears, let her run, run so far away,
                     to leave me here with you, my scorned, wretched, cursed tears.......

       And as he stood there, watching her leave, he dreaded that his nightmare might come true, that when next she saw him, all would be changed...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       Simple words could never tell how much he missed her.  The sleepless nights, the never-ending tears, all the words he wrote; nothing could hide the pain of his days without her.  His life seemed incomplete, a dreadful, longing span with no sunshine, no end to the darkness.  He said even his eyes ached because he had not seen her.
       Because of this, you cannot imagine his joy when the day for her to come home was at hand...

              He quickly jumped into his car,
              His destination not very far.
              Only to the flower shop two streets down,
              For today, his love would end his frown.
              He want to buy thirty-two roses,
              One for each sleepless night she was away,
              To give to his love when he saw her eyes,
              The one thing that could brighten his skies.
              I really can’t say
              What happened that day,
              Upon who lies the blame,
              Or where to place the shame,
              But as out of the car he stepped,
              Forward another leapt.
              They said he was hit at forty-five,
              And it was a miracle he made it
                     to the hospital alive.......

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       The doctors tried for hours on end to repair the shattered bones, the twisted flesh and to stop the bleeding.  They wheeled him in and out of surgery, so many rooms, so fast, so frantic.  He woke twice all the while, once to fell the pain, and the second time to cry out her name.  Finally, when the doctors had done all they could, they wheeled him into a bright-colored  room to see if he’d come back, or just fade away.
       He opened his eyes slightly as he felt his mother’s hand in his.  He felt sorrow at her tears, and despite the pain, wanted to comfort her.  “I want,” he whispered as loud as he could in spite of the pain to breath, “I want to see her.. I will be all right as long as I can see her.”
       His mother shook her head, knot knowing what to do, what to say.  “Hold on.  She’s on the way.  The plane just landed.”
       Expecting to see his joyful smile with a bouquet of flowers she just somehow knew he would have waiting for her, it was such a surprised look on her face when she not him, but her tearful mother, quickly waving her over.
       “All I want is to see her one more time,” he prayed inside his mind,” then I will go happily.  The colors are beginning to’s getting harder to see.  No, let me stay, stay just long enough to see her, please, I beg.”  But, it was all in vain.  He watched the colors fade.  They seemed so dim.  He tried to keep open his eyes, for he wanted to see her, yet as he waited and waited, sleep gripped his frame.  All fell to black...
       By the time she got there, his mother had been carried away from her dead son, frantically kicking and screaming.  he looked so peaceful, just lying there.  She walked over and took up his hand.  She longed to see the sparkle in his eyes, yet never again would it be.  So much had changed, never to be the same, as she bowed her sullen head to cry and wondered, “What if I had never gone away.......”

218. While You Were Away: As The Fairy Tale Ends

I always felt so in love with you,
As if times would never end,
And your eyes would always sparkle.
We lived a fairy tale in real life
And our world was the most beautiful
Of anything ever created.
We had such bliss, such a wealth of love,
Yet now, you seem to feel,
After you ran away for a short while,
That this fairy tale is no more.
I wonder if it was all a dream,
If I made up our tale in my mind,
But I know it had to be real,
For I would not be crying this way.
I just never knew a fairy tale
That ended in such tragedy as did ours
The day you went away.......

September 29, 1992

217. While You Were Away: A Part Of You Will Always Be Gone

I didn’t want you to go
For some selfish reasons, I suppose,
Yet the true reason was
I knew my splendor in your heart,
All of the dreams and wonder I gave,
Would fade like a still portrait
Left out in the rain.
I hold you in my arms
Now that you are home,
And still, you feel not the same
As when you left.
A part of you was left behind,
Dreaming forever in Barcelona..
You tell me you’re happy to be here,
Back in this horrid place with me,
Yet how can I believe that,
For I took you to seethe ocean,
The beautiful beach we called our own,
And you no longer said,
“What a beautiful sight,”
But sharp from your tongue,
My shore was no longer beauteous
Because “the Mediterranean is prettier.”
With those words, I felt only one thing;
That my world and its treasures,
Even my love and my dreams,
Were no longer good enough
For you and all you think you have seen.......

216. While You Were Away: Why Did You Leave Me Behind?

Over and over, one hundred times each day,
You could tell me why you went away,
But how could I try to understand
Why you left my side?
You told me you’d miss me
And you loved me more than life;
That you’d not be happy without me;
Your time alone would bear such a strife,
Yet I ask of you this:
If you love me so much,
                Why did you still leave.......

215. While You Were Away: Temptations

I knew not what it felt like
To have you gone so far away.
My heart was in such turmoil
And each night I’d cry,
       Cry myself to sleep.
My arms longed to hold you so,
And I felt like I was incomplete.
Many-a-night I’d be out walking,
Trying to forget
How long would pass
Until my eyes would see you again.
Wicked hands reached out,
Trying to take my away from you.
Temptations and grandeur,
I turned each one away,
For I was in your heart,
And so I Belonged To You.
Such warranted dreams
I wanted to fulfill,
Yet I shattered their chance
Of becoming reality
For I had pledged my love to you.
And with such temptations,
I knew you had yours...
All lone in a far-off land,
No hand of theirs to control you.
For the first time in its span,
Your life was your own.
You told me he tried to kiss you,
Yet you turned and walked away.
Believe you, I would,
If your love seemed the same,
Yet now, your love is not passion,
And I cannot help but wonder
What is true, or what is false.
You tell me I was your only thought
Through all the time you were away,
Yet now that you see me,
It is as if you missed me
                     none at all.
Hiding behind these tears,
I cannot say what I believe,
But maybe if you tried
To show me your love,
I could believe that it was true.......

214. While You Were Away: My Love Grew Fonder As You Disappered

When first you told me
That you were going away,
You said to me that
I should not worry or fret,
For though my eyes
Would not see you,
And my heart would miss you,
Absence would make my heart grow fonder.
I never believed such a thing,
For it seemed so unreal, impossible,
Yet, my love, you were right.
Not seeing you made me love you more,
Yet why, oh, why, did not seeing me
Make you love me less than before?
My trust I put in you,
As well as my hopes and dreams,
Yet when you returned,
Your heart had not grown fonder,
And your touch had turned cold.......

213. While You Were Away: Where Have You Gone?

I remember the moment clearly;
The moment when you said goodbye to me.
Quickly, you ran away
So that I would not see your tears.
Oh, how I felt that you loved me,
Loved me more than anything in all the world.
Your glances were all mine;
You ventured not to even look at another.
Your heart was one with mine;
Our dreams, our love, were all one in the same.
Your passionate sighs were soft;
More beautiful than you will ever know.
Yes, I have seen you since then,
Since you left and ran away;
Though your beautiful face,
Your warm, loving voice,
And even that wondrous smile
              All stood before me,
I have not felt the warmth of your touch,
And I cannot help but wonder
What happened to the girl who left me
Just two months ago,
For though you are here,
              She has not yet returned.......

August 3, 1992

212. While You Were Away: Life Is What You Make Of It

Regardless, my love, of what has transpired,
I still love you with all of my heart,
Even more than I did the day you left.
Now that you are home,
I don’t want you to be with me
Because it is all you have here.
I want to be loved by you,
But only because your heart desires
The love and precious life I can give
To you, the one girl I love so much.
I missed you while you were away,
And so many things have happened,
Yet, there is one thing you must know,
I want to spend these days with you,
Sharing all of this life, these words,
And most of all, this love in my heart.
And now my dear, tell me you want the same,
If that is truly what you feel in your heart.
If you feel differently, I will understand,
Just do not tell me my tears hurt you,
For if you leave, my tears will be forever.
Why don’t we share our beautiful love
Instead of wondering now that we are one again,
For what I want in life is your happiness,
And I will forever believe
That your happiness lies with me,
Yet life’s dream is your choice.......

211. While You Were Away: How Could You Not Want To Come Back To Me?

The most profound words
I could not write to you,
For I have missed you for so long.
What do you wonder, my love?
Do you think now,
Our love will not fair well?
Are you truly happy to see me,
Or just doing your best
Just to deal with what you have,
Settling not for what you want,
But what you will take as second-best?
I’ve wanted you here;
The nights were never joyous,
Though jest and play were there,
For you were gone from my side.
How could you not want to come back to me?
What hurts more, I wonder,
The tears I cry now,
Or the tears that fell while you were away?
What would you rather,
Stay here with me, or run away again?
Decide what you may,
For I will always love you,
But in what way do you love me more,
Missing me in your joyous time away,
Or loving me now that you are home?.......

210. While You Were Away: Wonder In Your Eyes

So many days I’ve longed for you here,
Waiting and hoping that one day soon,
You’d be back in my arms.
Dreary days and quiet evenings,
Reeling from the temptations
And drowning in my sorrows
In this brilliant visage of a smile,
No truer than its phony heir.
And now that I have you here,
In my arms where I’ve longed
For you to be since you went away,
You seem to doubt what is real,
And maybe even how you feel.
Why does it seem so different now?
Why does it seem like even though
You are happy to see me again,
You wish you were elsewhere,
Where I could never be?.......

August 2, 1992

209. While You Were Away: Waking In Your Arms

I can always recall the nightmares,
The horrid, treacherous, painful visions,
Even though I usually forget
The warm, uplifting pictures of dreams.
I’ve seen such horrid things in sleep
That would make mighty empires fall
And the mightiest of warrior run from his fight.
The evening quietude under which I sleep
Has always been a frightening, different world.
Though such horrid dreams
Will forever be within my soul,
I can sometimes remember the beautiful as well.
I can see sunsets at sea,
Snowcapped mountains reaching into the sky.
I’ve seen the wonder of young love that lives life-long
And watched a baby see his mother for the first,
But nothing in all this world,
Whether it be reality or a dream,
Has been more beautiful to me
That the one time I awoke
From the shadowy, dreadful world of my sleep
To find with my newly-opened eyes
That you were lying by my side,
Your arms locking me in your embrace.
Your smile showed me then
Just how in love you are with me.......

July 30, 1992

208. While You Were Away: "I Am So Afraid Of Living In Oblivion"

I. Life’s Mirror Of Reflection

Such countless times
Throughout all of my life,
From just a baby,
To now being called a man,
I have sat in this very spot,
High on this same cliff,
Gazing quietly at the ocean below,
The powerful surf hitting the shore
With the majesty of all the empires
From the beginning of the world
And the vast ocean spanning to the horizon
Like a quiet, blue blanket of endless time.
I’ve come here in play and jest,
To speak to the Lord and feel his power,
To cry my sorrow away in the ocean,
To feel again a life I once wanted to end,
To rejoice a beautiful poem,
And now, here I sit, crying once more.
Such tears are no longer alone
With no one in the world to share them with.
These tears are for you, my love...
Who would have thought I could possibly
Miss someone so much as I miss you?
Such a painful past is far behind me--
I no longer wish to leave this world--
And the happiness we share means
More to me than anything I’ve ever held,
Yet, often, I wonder what could be
If ever I had to live without you
And it scares me more than death ever could...

II. Rainy Yesterdays

Through vague memories
Clouded in mystery and dust,
Cast away from my mind
For one reason or another,
And faces that now seem so unfamiliar,
I remember a time when
A cheerful line I’d never written,
No sweetness in such heartless words of morbidity,
Wond’ring what the new dawn
Would bring to my tear-filled eyes.
All I wanted in life was death.
My dreams were harsh as reality,
Yet reality seemed nothing but a painful dream.
When first you and I spoke,
And our lives finally crossed paths,
You couldn’t hide the pain in your eyes.
I knew deep in my heart what you felt
And how you wondered why things
Were as they turned out.
At that moment in time,
Whatever the cost, whatever the hardships,
I knew I had to take the pain away
From both our hearts.
How I sought to change the pain
Into a happiness we both could share...

III. The Love We Now Share

As time passed through smiles and tears,
You and I have forged something
Stronger than the oldest stone,
More beautiful than all the world,
And ever-lasting as the heavens above.
Life is no longer mine and yours,
It has become ours,
The beauty of what we share
Could never be surpassed.
Our dreams are one in the same.
Our love could conquer the world,
Our friendship is more divine
That the holiest of temples on Earth.
All of the things you and I share
Can all be set into one phrase...
We explore the mysteries of life
Side by side, always together...
And that means more to me
Than anything else in all the world,
For the hardships are not as frightening,
And the joys are much more brilliant
Now that we share them together...

IV. Tomorrow’s Uncertainty

Though your love and all its beauty
Has made me happier than ever before,
I ask of you, my love, what do you see
When you gaze through the clouds
And try to make out how the future will be?
Will you and I truly be in love
For all of eternity and beyond?
What if one day, all of this is gone?
What if this will be a memory
And not the future we long for?
If I had to live my life
Without you here by my side,
I’d be swimming alone
In the middle of the ocean at night.
Upon the horizon, I would see
A single light on the water.
No matter how long I swam,
No matter how fast I pushed on,
The light would never grow closer,
Only sit in the same spot,
Beckoning me needlessly on.
My dreams would all slip away
And my hopes would no longer be
Enough to keep me afloat,
And sure as the sun, I’d slip away
Down into the ocean’s depths,
My soul never to rise again...
Yet, what if we stay forever true
And our love is endless abroad
From this day forward
Until the end of time?
What joyous years we could share,
Spending the beauty of life
Together as one.
We could explore life’s mysteries
And conquer each and every one.
Just give me your hand, dear girl,
And the future will be ours...

V. Tell Me You Want The Same

So, here I sit high above the sea,
Watching the day fade away
And pass on into the night.
The sound of the crashing surf
Echoes even louder than before.
My eyes strain through the moonlight
As I search the night for you.
I’ve seen us grow close together,
Conquering it all together as one,
But what I have not seen,
And never shall,
Is what tomorrow will bring.
Yes, I fear that pain may someday
Be close to my heart again,
But what I fear more than that
Is Living In Oblivion,
Not knowing if tomorrow’s sky
Will be a brilliant blue, or a shadowy grey.
Tell me, my love, what do you feel?
I want us to be forever,
To share the joy of the rest of our lives.
Show me you love me, my dear,
Reach over to me when next we are one,
Kiss my lips, and tell me you want the same.......

July 28, 1992

207. While You Were Away: While You Were Away

So many things have passed before me
Since last my eyes saw your beauty.
Some made me smile, even laugh,
Some made my hands shake, my heart pound,
And some even made me shed a tear
And hang my sullen head down to cry,
Yet each has shown me the same thing about life...
Regardless of how long could pass
For my eyes not to see you, my arms not to hold you,
Of all the things in this world,
From pain to happiness, back to tears, then to smiles,
Love is really all that matters,
And I have and will forever more
Love you more than anything in all the world.......

206. While You Were Away: Slow Dancing II: Without You

If I could recall the last time
We danced closely to a ballad
Under a starlit sky,
I don’t think I’d be crying
That way that I am right now.
A soft, subtle love song was echoing
Through my ears
As I sat quietly under the stars.
To each his own, a lady in his arms,
As I saw eyes begin to shine
And hearts slowly fall in love.
I tried not to look on...
Oh, I tried not to watch,
But soon my eyes were fixed upon
Warm, tender kissed, young, innocent glances,
And so many dreams taking shape.
My vision was clouded
And no longer could I see.
Another asked me to dance with her,
But I shook my head no, hiding my tears.
Never did I want anything more
In all of my dream-filled life
Than to take you into my arms
And dance with you to share
My warm, tender kisses,
A young, innocent glance,
And tell you all of my dreams,

Yet when I reached to me side,
you had gone so very far away.
Quietly, I wiped the tears from my eyes
To gaze up into the sky.
Just then, I felt arms around me,
Only to find your love holding me
And telling me it was all right.
The memories we’ve shared
And the spirit of our love
Got me through the saddest love song of all.
Yet what I would give to not live a memory,
But to dance with you tonight.......

205. While You Were Away: Hole In My Heart

Once I said to you, my love,
That when you part from me
And go so very far away,
A piece of my heart is with you,
Never to return until I hold you once more.
Four weeks have gone by
Since you turned and ran away,
Taking the piece of my heart with you
I’ve counted the days,
Watching the minutes pass me by,
Minutes I should have spent with you,
And the hole in my heart,
The empty spot only you can fill
Continues to grow on and on.
So many nights I’ve cried silently,
Sometimes I think I even cry in my sleep,
Because without you here,
       The world is losing its meaning.
My heart aches, but for only one reason--
Since you have gone,
There’s been no one to love.......

204. While You Were Away: Tell Me The World Has Not Changed

Darkness of night was all around me;
Whether my eyes were open or closed,
It was all the same shade of black.
Slowly, my mind drifted away
And I left my security behind me
In my own world to venture on
Across the rainbow and the heavens
Far into such a wondrous land of dreams.
Before me you sat, my one true love.
Never had I seen you so beautiful
And never had I been more in love.
Slowly, I reached my hand to touch you,
Yet your eyes had lost their sparkle
And you cowered away.
“What is it, my sweet?” I pleaded,
Yet you only turned your eyes away.
Then your lips parted to day,
“Please...please...just go away.
It’s been so long, a world of change,
That today, you know me no more,
And tomorrow, you will know even less.”
You woke me with those words
And from the land of dreams I returned.
Now, here I sit, waiting for you to come home,
Wondering if dreams can be reality,
Or if my reality of loving you forever
              Was nothing but a dream.......

July 20, 1992

203. While You Were Away: I Will Never Run Away

Take a walk on a sunny day.
Look across the blue sky,
Listen to the sounds of the world,
And pass your eyes over all its beauty.
Think with such passion, my love,
As you walk in the beauty we share,
What all this world would be
With out my eyes to gaze upon you,
Without my arms to protect you (hold you),
Without my words to give you love,
What do you see without me by your side?
Last night as I lay in my sleep,
I had such a nightmare that
You ran away from me
And I had to live my life of an angel’s tears
Without your eyes, your arms, and your words,
And I felt such a horrid pain.
Ask yourself, dear girl, what your life would be
Without me by your side...
Now that you have realized how painful
Such a thing could be...
I will tell you that I will never run away
So that you will not know what life is
Without my love to gaze upon, protect you (hold you),
       And give you more than you could ever dream of.......

202. While You Were Away: I Shed A Tear For The Roses

I went to the flower shop today
       To visit the roses.
Funny, I’d forgotten what they looked like
       Without you here to give them to.
As my eyes met with their beauty
       And my hands met with the delicate petals.
I could not shake the image of you
       Painted deep in my heart.
I felt a tear fill my eye -- yes, only one
       Just alone like I am without you here.
With vanity in my soul,
       And all of my endless dreams in mind,
I once thought I was invincible--
       That I could conquer anything in all the world,
But now that you are not here,
       I’ve realized such a beautiful thing--
Without you, I have no dreams to fulfill
       And no one in all the world that I could share
       The beauty of these roses with.......

July 17, 1992

201. While You Were Away: All Of This From Just The Sound Of Your Voice

Quietly, the darkness hangs about me
As I lie here alone in my bed.
The early-morning sky has seen no light
And neither have I since you went away.
My chest aches from the excitement
And my love is soaring through the clouds.
How I’ve longed to hear your voice--
So much that my ears have ached
And my soul could hear no other song
That the one your voice sends to me--
And now, finally, I await the moment
To hear you say my name,
To hear you tell me it will be all right.
I was at the end of my rope,
No where to go but fall down
Because I had not heard my song
In what seemed to be years.
Just hearing your voice on the other end
Made my heart want to live again,
And I knew then, at that second,
Just what life was all about--
The reason I am here, and write these words,
Is to show all the world what life can be
Through a love more beautiful
Than anything mere man could ever see.
Here I lie, my mind and heart on you,
Wishing two weeks to pass away,
For that is when finally, my aching, tearful eyes
Will rest their glance on the one true thing
I will forever and always hold
More precious than all the world’s gold,
More endearing than the hearts
Of over one-hundred thousand young maidens--
The beauty and love I see in you,
Always and one love so true.......

July 8, 1992

200. While You Were Away: Upon Writing My 200th Poem...

Looking back, from just only yesterday,
To far back when my skies were forever grey,
I have read all of the The Poet’s words again--
All the pain that would haunt one thousand men,
If only they had lived the life of the stranded,
The tormented,, the unwanted...
So many days, months, and years are all in the words,
Soft as the roses, yet strong as the swords.
So many gifts--I’ve given it all away,
The roses, the sea, the night, the day,
The stars, the moon, the sun,
And now that it is all done,
I cannot help but shed two more tears,
One for me and one for the years.
From the sad depths of the sea
To the highest mountain where hearts run free,
I have ventured through sun and rain,
Felt the deepest love and the worst of pain.
Though the words have taken a turn,
There is still so much more to learn
About how one girl’s happiness could change me,
And make me see the things I never see.
It is hard to say goodbye to a painful yesterday,
The times when love hurt in every way,
But as I turn my back and walk further on,
I await this new day, this glorious new dawn
              Where all of the verse is about only you,
              And our live are forever one and never two.......

July 7, 1992

199. While You Were Away: A Quiet, Mournful Rain

I woke early this morning,
Not with the rising sun,
For the sky had turned grey
And soft, warm raindrops
Were tapping on my window.
I thought then, what woke me?
Was it late in the day?
No, it was still only six hours
Into this gloomy, dreary day.
Maybe it was thunder or lightning?
No, this was a quiet, mournful rain
Like the storm inside my lonely heart.
It was then I realized what woke me--
A pillow soaked through with one thousand tears.
I had been dreaming of you
And how much my heart missed you,
While I was in my house of silence,
Drowning in this cold puddle of tears.
Please, my love, come back to me
Before I slip under my tears...forever.......

July 6, 1992

198. While You Were Away: I Look To You, Yet You Have Gone

I turned over my shoulder yesterday
To look beside me so that I might see
Your longing, loving eyes gaze into my heart,
And take me away to your heavenly world,
Yet you were, whom I looked to for love,
              life, and my hope, gone away.
I looked down, trying to hide the tears that were falling.
My body weak, I lie softly in my bed,
And close my eyes to run to you in my dreams,
Roses soft as your face in my hands
And my love as wondrous as your beauty in my heart,
Yet, though I search endlessly, I see you not.
Where are you, my love?  Oh, why have you gone away?
Tighter and tighter I hold the roses,
As my eyes long to see you, the thorns cutting my flesh,
Teardrops of life leaving my frame forever...
“Show me!” I cry.  “Show me your face that I may live!”
And still, nothing appears; Only the pain is here,
The quiet, murderous pain stalking my heart.
If only I can keep it in on piece
              Until you come back to me.......

197. While You Were Away: No Arms To Hold Me

The sun quietly sets across the evening sky
As God’s angels flee the darkness
To leave me all alone in my dreary night.
All the lights are gone and my candle burns,
The shadows dancing on the walls, laughing at me
As I lie alone in my blue world,
My arms clutched tightly around my pillow,
And harsh, endless tears flowing down my face.
Slowly, I pass my watering eyes down to my chest
And gaze upon the cold, lifeless material locked in my embrace.
Oh, I ask myself, oh, where are you, my love?
                     Gone and left me alone.
Not one single embrace has gripped my frame
Since last my eyes met with your beauty,
And this lifeless clump has no arms to hold me,
No beautiful eyes to gaze upon, and no loving words
                     To offer me such warmth as you do.
Though I know deep in my heart, no one will ever take your place,
Here I still lie, clutching my pillow tightly,
Holding on for dear life, waiting for you to return
       To save me from this pain of loneliness.......

May 13, 1992

196. While You Were Away: To Cursed Tears

Wretched, cursed tears, how I tried to hide you,
So that she could not make out your frame on my face.
She needed to see you not, but so I would think,
                  neither did I.
You know she is to leave, but I ask you, cursed tears,
                  what may you do?
Ease her leaving, you wretched fool,
Be gone, cursed tears, until after...
       after your eyes have looked upon her the last,
For tears may make her want to stay here in this horrid place,
       and deep inside, you know she wants to go away.
Why keep her here if she will not be happy?
Hold you back, I will, cursed tears,
       so that you will not sway her favor,
For what matters is not me, but what is in her heart,
       as we both know if she wanted to stay, she should,
       and if she wants to run away, nothing will stop her,
                                     and she will go,
       so why should you make her feel the same pain I do?
Oh, cursed tears, let her run, run so far away,
       to leave me here with you, my scorned, wretched, cursed tears.......

May 10, 1992

195. While You Were Away: Without You, I Am Incomplete

The strong hand of the wind pushed at my frame
As I watched the clouds slowly rolling in.
The soft green grass alive with spring’s youth
Turned rough and dead under my bare feet,
The rough, sharp edges pointing into my flesh,
Leaving my life to flow freely out and away.
The trees all around so full of life and joy,
As they swayed in the breeze, playing with the sun,
Shriveled away into twisted, dead spears.
The sun was shortly gone and the lights faded away.
The scene became black and rain fell on my head.
I thought maybe I could still find my way in the dark,
But soon the water crept up to my knees, then to my waist,
And no matter which way I trudged through this sea,
The water seemed to grow higher and higher,
And though I was moving, I moved not anywhere.
Before I could react, or even stop to think,
The water was caressing my shoulders and my neck.
I tried to swim off the ground, but it did not work,
And soon I felt my last breath would be nigh.
Though I woke to find myself alone in my bed
Just before the water took my last treasure of air,
This is how I saw my beautiful world
If I could no longer share it with you.
Each time you turn and walk away from me,
Letting your hand slowly, gently pull away from mine,
A part of my soul, a part of me, leaves with you.
Whether you are gone for a minute, an hour, a day, or a month,
That part of me is with your heart deep inside,
Protecting, comforting, and just holding on tight,
And it’s gone from me while you are away
Until your return to my side--
So how is it you would think I could live
This life of an angel’s tears without you here,
                              with a part of me gone?
Fear none, my love so sweet,
       Without you, I am incomplete.......

May 9, 1992

194. The Picture Of You I Adore

I listened to countless hours
Of constant whining and complaining
About how silly and funny you look
In the picture you never wanted me to see,
Yet, my love, I ask of you this:
How could I not simply fall in love
With that cute, adorable smile you have,
Those dimples that I could write an endless novel about,
That perky little nose I love to kiss,
And those soft, warm cheeks I love to caress;
Your long, silky strands I run my fingers through,
The same strands that tickle my nose when we embrace?
But look at the eyes in that picture, my dear--
All the mysteries and wonders hidden
In those brilliant yet soft, loving eyes,
That innocent glance of beauties yet to come.
So give me your hand and look to the future,
As your eyes do in that picture,
And decide where you want to go and I’ll take you there......

April 19, 1992

193. Without Me

When I stop to think about us,
I can’t help but cherish the happiness
I feel deep in my heart,
Yet it’s the things that try to keep us apart
That I can never conquer
              No matter how hard I try.
When you tell me such things
       As they want me around less,
       And that you should be with someone else,
It sometimes makes me feel
       (Oh, how I wish it’s not true)
       That maybe it would be better for you,
       Or maybe that’s what you want,
              And you just can’t tell me
              That you don’t want me anymore.
I don’t know, maybe I’m lost
       In a world I just can’t understand,
       But the pain I feel in my heart right now,
       Just makes me wonder
              If you’d be better off without me,
              And if you’re thinking the same.......

192. Take My Hand And I'll Lead You Through The Mist

Yet never could those images compare
To the beauty that surrounded you that night.
The water slowly coasted by at our feet
And through all of the confusion and chaos,
Through the misty fog and the cold air,
We had our one quiet spot
                           where we talked
And that was when I knew our love was real.
Subtle love songs echoed in the background
As I held you so close to me,
       As I fell so in love with you.
As we watched the water under the night sky,
       A seal slowly swam by
And that just made a beautiful thing
                           more perfect,
As if it was a sign that what we had was so right.
You seemed so in live with me that night,
       And forever will it be set in my memory.
And should you ever think about me and you
       And come to doubt anything we share,
Just remember how you felt as I held you then,
       For I will always take your hand
                           and show you the way.
Just put your trust in me,
       For I love you far too much
       To ever let something harm you,
       Or to even want to let you go.......

191. Heartbeat

Never could I tell you
What happiness it gives me
That when I hold you
In my embrace
That I can feel your heart beating,
As if it is beating one with mine.
For so long a time,
My heart beat for no reason,
Just to live a drunken dream
That seemed so out of reach.
Yet now, when I feel a heartbeat
Sounding deep in my frame
It is beating for a reason…
My heart beats for you.
Every time I feel your heartbeat next to me,
I just think of how world could never tell you
What it means to be with you.
Your heartbeat is a comfort
That lets me know it wasn’t all in vain
For your love has made life worth while.

190. What Made The Pain Worthwhile

Sitting quietly in my solitude,
I took up my picture of you
              into my hands.
And gazed deep into your eyes.
My remembrandts ran wild
With the evening wind through my open window
And I thought of all the pain in love’s gone-by’s.
I remembered how sorrowful the long nights
              used to be,
But what made the pain worth while--
I’d endure it all over again--
Is that out of this tragedy love had made
My once desolate life of chance,
Came the deep love through which
              I cherish you.

189. Happy Tears

More oft than not I wish I could count
The times I sat alone in my bedroom,
My head befallen into my hands
As I cried aloud with such pain
As tear after tear became one with my sorrow.
How I try to make you understand
These words crying deep within my heart
Through the tearful eyes of yesterday.
How hard it is for me to comprehend
That someone as special as you
Could really love me the way you do.
Just to feel your loving arms around me
Makes all of my worries disappear,
And should you see tears in my eyes,
Do not be alarmed. but cherish their love,
       For tear after tear now becomes one with my happiness.

April 18, 1992

188. What Trust Means To Me

How I remember playing such a  childish game:
I would cross my arms over my chest,
Close my eyes as tight as I possibly could,
And slowly, lean my head back.
All of my friends with all of their pointless dreams
Stood behind me with outstretched arms.
“Fall backwards,” they would say, “you shall not fall,”
But fall I did, hard on the ground.
       (oh how their laughter cut with such pain)
Time over again and again I would fall
Until finally I grew to trust no one at all.
My heart became so reserved, thinking no one
Would ever stand behind me with open arms.
Yet, as days passed on and the years flew by,
I met such a special friend that showed me loving eyes,
And with a gentle touch I learned to trust again.
Though I was scared, my heart so petrified,
I crossed my arms, bent my head back, closed my eyes,
And this time when I fell backwards,
I felt her arms not only catch my fall,
But embrace me to ensure
              no harm came my way at all.

March 30, 1992

187. When You Say "I Have To Go"

One day I’ll go out walking,
And I’ll be able to take you with me.
You won’t have to worry about
Any of those things you say aren’t more important
Than spending your time with me.
You must consider -- if these things
Aren’t more important, why does it seem
              they always come before me?
How is it that I route my entire life -- every moment --
              around you; to make it better for you,
And all you can seem to find is three and a half minutes
              to hold me, give me a kiss, and send me on my way.
All I want to do is show the world--
The beauty in a sunset by the shore;
To feel a soft, warm breeze kiss your face;
The wonders of the sea I’ve come to adore,
              almost as much as I adore you.
I dream of the day when you will find the time
To sit quietly with me and not have to go;
To let me show you the beauty of my blue world
              and just how wondrous my love can be.

March 24, 1992

186. Don't Ask Why, Just Come With Me

I really can’t say just what it was
That made me want to hold you so tightly.
Maybe it’s because the sky is so blue,
And the sun is shining once more.
It could be the tide, the moon,
Or even the crash of the surf.
Maybe it’s how you look today,
So beautiful, your smile so bright.
Or maybe it’s just the way your eyes
       glimmer softly in the sunlight
And tell me just how much you love me.
All I can say is get used to it, my dear,
You’ll have to live with me loving you,
       loving you more than all the world.......

March 22, 1992

185. Never Could I Give You Too Much

With your own beautiful eyes,
       I wish you could see your face
              When I give you a rose.
So surprised, your eyes widen
       And sparkle in the sunlight
              Like midday stars in Heaven’s above.
You give a quick little gasp
       And that is when I know
              My love has taken your breath away.
Your tender lips part so slowly,
       Passing such gorgeous white pearls,
              And there is my smile I love so much.
You slowly move towards me,
       And wrap me all up
              In your warm, comforting embrace.
I can see the love in your eyes,
       And feel it in your touch,
              The subtle way you kiss my lips.
Deep in my chest, where my heart runs so free,
       A warm glow comes over me,
              And I offer you my smile in return.
As I hold you so close,
       I desire so greatly that these things,
                                the things I do for you,
              Show just how much I really do love you.
For you have made such a change in my life;
                                made the sky forever blue;
       And I dream that someday I may repay you
              And make you as happy as you’ve made me.......

March 19, 1992

184. How I Long To Take You Away

Listening to you cry,
I felt so helpless,
As if I could not do a thing.
How I wanted to be there with you,
To hold you in my arms so tightly,
And make the pain go away.
So troublesome this world can be:
Even though my love is so strong,
Sometimes its beauty can’t make you smile.
And hen I see this happening,
I dream of such a wondrous reverie,
Where we can share a world of peace,
                        a world that is all our own.
Gently gliding on the evening sky,
I’d swoop down on wings like an angel
And take you away from the world’s strife,
                        away to a much happier place.
This world is not a world, but a place in the Heavens,
Where dreams become reality,
And reality is all but a dream.
How I long to take you there, my love,
To the one moment in all a life time
When everything in the world is gone,
And all that is left is you and me.
Someday, my love, I will take you there,
                        take you there, time and time again.
And just to show you how much I love you,
                        to show you what you man to me,
When your eyes awake from their dream,
They will see the dew-kissed, early-morning rose
                        that I will be handing to you.