December 25, 1992

232. Dear God, What Is This Life?

What is this life?
Dear God, what is this life?
Never am I happy.
So joyous,
What I always dreamt of,
What I always wished for,
What I always prayed for,
Sitting quietly in my hands.
How I cursed You,
And how I begged You,
Both at the same time.
How I tormented my heart
Fighting with You,
Pleading with You,
Please, just make me happy.
I fought seventeen long, quiet years--
Bitter, bitter years.
I fought so hard,
Just to make myself happy,
And one day,
One quiet day,
Walking alone at that school--
I can’t even remember now
What it was like being there--
I crossed her path...
Crossed her...
God, those eyes,
That hair,
That smile.
How I wanted to hold her,
Embrace her,
Feel the warmth of her love.
God, I wanted that more
Than anything in all the world.
And she gave it to me.
She took me away from it all
And placed the world in my hands.
And here I sit now,
Regretting more than anything
In all of my life,
That You made my dream come true,
That she made my dream come true.
And what did I do?
Just like everything else
In this quiet life,
I took it
And I threw it all away.
I threw it all away.
My dream came true,
So that I would know what it was like
To lose it...
Now my spirit is gone,
My heart is gone,
This world of love,
It’s all gone.
From here until eternity’s end,
From here until the day
I breath my last,
Write my last verse,
Never, never...
I swear by You...
Will I love another as her.
And I can only hope,
And I can only pray,
That sometime from now,
Happy in her world without me,
That she will remember,
Just remember what we shared,
For one split second,
And know,
Know that the life I live now,
The words that I write,
The words that I will write,
So help me, God,
Will always...always...
Reflect the beauty
       Of those gorgeous, loving brown eyes.......

231. "Happy Christmas..."

Sitting here, quietly,
Like I have so many days before,
Clouds closing in around me,
Staring, Gazing, Watching, Admiring
This quiet, somber, beautiful picture of you:
Your hands wrapped around mine,
My arms wrapped around your waist,
That smile so joyous, so beautiful--
God, you were so beautiful--
We were so beautiful, you and I.
And now, look where we’re at;
Apart, separate, different lives,
Hoping, praying, that one day, we’ll cross again...
That one day I’ll look into those eyes
And they’ll look back,
And when I say, “I love you,”
They’ll say, “I love you, too.”
God, how I constantly recall the memories we made.
The dances, the smiles, the waves, the laughter, the tears.
So quiet are they now...
So quiet are the memories.
So many Holidays... of the first nights that we spent together.
Christmas...Christmas joy and cheers and the smiles that I never knew.
      Your Christmas tree at your house; I’ll never forget the way we decorated it,
      just you  and me, laughing and smiling, wondr’ing what tomorrow would bring.
      We were so happy then.
I often wonder sometimes if you remember...if you remember the memories.
How can I forget Your Birthday?  January Nineteenth.  The day was spent together
      sharing, cherishing, wondering what life would bring to us.  You were only
      sixteen.  The world was at your feet...I was at your feet.  I would have done
      anything in the world for you.
      And you sit here now...sit here, reading these words...the words of this
      tormented, childish boy who would not away...but run on his own
      sword for you.
      Dancing, laughing, sharing the most joyous of your birthdays with you.  The
      day you tried not to be daddy’s little girl anymore.  The day that you began to
      struggle to be a woman.  How I remember that night...holding you.  If I could
      count the times I had tears in my eyes...the times they almost fell during that
      one single night that I shared with you, then maybe, just maybe, you would
      know just how much you and your heart, and the little things...the little things,
      the roses, Valentine’s Day, the Christmas tree, sitting on the couch
      holding each other, the movies, all meant to me.
Look to the back roads, the back streets of your mind, where I’ll always be.
Wandering, wandering through
The rooms in my head,
I sit there.
And there isn’t one room;
Not a single room in all my mind,
Where there’s not a memory of you.
“Happy Christmas, Baby.”
For I’m sitting here,
A year after we shared our last Christmas,
Thinking how I love you...
      How I love you more than all the world.
God, help me fight back these tears
      So that I may finish!...
Finish these words so that I may get on with my life.
As I said before, before these words choked up my spirit
And let these tears fall,
It was the little things....the little things that we shared...
      that always made me...made me want to live...
And now, they are all gone;
Gone never to return.
Sitting here, in a house full of people.
Hiding in my own little room,
The door locked, the room quiet...
So much joy and cheer all around the house
And all I can do is cry.
Staring at this picture, the frame,
Wondering what it really meant to you
And what it means now,
For I fall now to my knees in this solitude,
Raise my hands, my teary eyes to the sky,
Knowing that you’re sitting so far away.
yet so close,
Happy, joyous in your new life,
Your life without me,
And do you know what I say?
Amid these tears so strong that I cannot breath,
I look to the sky and I say,
“Happy Christmas, Tiffany...happy Christmas...”
            How I miss you.  The tears will not stop.......

230. Two Turtle Doves

    I walked up to you under a bright midday sky, my hands cradling two small ceramic turtle doves.  You smiled your smile and looked into my eyes.  I said not a word, but placed one of the doves into your hand and held the other tightly in mine.  You asked me what I was doing, and I said to you this...

Tell Me, My Friend...
    Have you ever heard the story of the two turtle doves, flying briskly through the wind, wings spanning across the azure sky, soft like the twilight, white against the background?
My Friend, You Have Not?
Then On With My Tale I Shall Tell...

    Two turtle doves soaring through the air, not a care in all this world, only existing for each other.  They call to each other in a soft, beautiful language only they can understand.  And when the speak, they speak one of life’s little uncertainties.  They speak none of doubt, or even worry.  They only frolic in the sky, gazing at sunset after sunset, far above the world, eternal, graceful, more beauteous than anything in all the universe’s wonders.  Many men from the beginning of time have prayed to the Heavens above so that the two turtle doves shall last, flying, gliding on the wind, forever.
    Once upon a spring’s eve, a harsh wind blew from the north, bringing cold and rain across the sky.  The turtle doves fought the storm, pushing on, for they knew that if they could not fly, they would fall to the ground and all in the sky would be wrong without them.  Harder and harder they pushed on, into the wind, away from the wind, under the wind, over the wind...nothing seemed to overcome this evil storm, and by and by, they were separated.
    One turtle dove awoke along the sandy shore of a quiet stream.  He opened his eyes slowly, remembering how he fought to stay with the other turtle dove through the storm.  The remembering hurt his little heart.  He looked all around, flew everywhere near, and to his sadness, could not find his companion.  He thought then, I am alone and I need not hurt myself by looking.  Yet, now, fallen out of the sky, standing on the shore, he felt conceit and wondered, I can make it on my own, can’t I?  The world’s evil could not reach him in the sky, but no, on the ground, it was grabbing hold of him.
    He gave up his search for his companion and said, I can make it on my own.  He then scanned the shore and walked over to the stream’s edge to take a drink, and just then, a sly, shadowy fox looked over the tall grass and spied the turtle dove, all alone.  Swiftly, the fox leapt out...
    At the same time, his companion woke high atop a tree, her feet far from the ground.  Somehow she had been placed gently on a branch by the rough storm.  She looked not around, not even to see if she was hurt, for the first thing in her mind was her love that had been lost.  She quickly sprang into the sky, her eyes searching.  Hours passed, hour after hopeless hour.  She began to feel it was of no hope, but she knew her life was not complete without him, her companion in the sky.  She never have up hope, and finally, she came to a stream and recalled how he loved to drink from warm springtime streams.  She swooped down to the bank and cried a horrid shriek as she saw four white feathers trampled into the sand.
    Her eyes darted everywhere, love’s passion deep in her little heart.  It was then that she saw the fox, its full attention looking into a small hollow log.  The fox was pawing inside, trying desperately to reach its hiding prey.  Such a peaceful creature was she, yet flying now, towards the fox, a blissful passion boiled in her heart and nothing would stop her, not even death.  With fiery eyes, she swooped down on the fox, crying as loud as her lungs would allow.  The fox turned its head towards her and tried to duck out of the way, but she crashed her beak on his head and he cowered away.
    She was much too small to hurt the sly, shadowy fox, but what she did do was turn his attention away from her love just a second and he flew up into the sky, away from the evil of the land below.
    Quickly, she met him in the sky, her wing touching his, and they streamed up, higher and higher, playing and frolicking as they had before.  They vowed then, flying towards the rainbow the storm had left in the sky, that they would never separate again, never want to live without each other, and even if fate played another cruel game and split them up like the storm had, they vowed to each other to fight until life was no more, to return to each other again.

And now, My Friend, I Tell You Another Tale...

    Looking up into the sky, I saw two doves and remembered what they meant, symbolizing togetherness for all eternity, so open your hand My Friend (My Love), to you, I give one small ceramic turtle dove to keep with you all your life, and I am to keep the other.  In your hands, nurture it.  In your eyes, admire its beauty.  In your heart, let love grow for it, for in your heart, you must know, my turtle dove is being nurtured, admired, for all eternity...just like you.  From this day forward, remember this tale I’ve told, for it is a tale of me and of you......

229. Crying On Christmas

A year ago today,
       You brought tears to my eyes
              When you gave me a glass frame,
                     And in it...a picture of us.
My life was so happy.
       I thought it was always perfect.
              Never again would I cry
                     Unless it was a happy tear.
Now it's gone by,
       Complete...a full year,
              And I sit here crying,
                     Knowing your smile,
                            your eyes,
                                   your lips that kiss,
All belong to another--
       And the worst pain of all
              Is that your heart -- my one true love --
                     Has gone away,
Running freely about that heart of another;
       Running like the tears across my midnight sky,
              That will, like the Heavens, never,
                                          never die...

228. Remembering What Could Have Been

I’ve seen a child being born
Into this world of uncertainty.
The sparkle in the eyes
When first mother laid glance
On her newborn son.
What wonders these images recall
Of how life can come and go,
Be short, or last a century long,
And yet, it is love
That can last beyond life,
Making us wonder how to find
A love to outlast mortal life,
Forever, into eternal bliss.
There are so many distant, meaningless words;
Yet, there are also
Such beautiful, wondrous words of miracle,
Yet neither will ever do
To describe how I felt
When you said to me
“I might be having your baby.”
My heart was caught in a whirlwind--
I knew not what to say,
Only pray that you were wrong,
For our lives were still too young,
So many dreams unfulfilled.
I listened to you cry so many times,
Day passing day, praying you were wrong,
Yet somehow, deep in my heart,
I had never felt so close to you before.
It was a two-sided bliss
Shadowed by doubt and fear,
A happy smile under falling, painful tears.
We struggled and fought
Through adversity together
Until we found we were wrong,
And there was no baby to bear.
I remember us being happy,
Yet, at the same time a little sad
That the possibility of life’s miracle
Had come and gone so soon.
All the better, I thought,
For she is only seventeen and you one year older...
I can’t say I’d have been happy
Had there been a baby there,
Yet I can’t say that I wasn’t saddened
When I prepared for the worst,
     Only to find we had not given life
     So that our lives would still look upon
     Our futures and not dreams’ end......

December 18, 1992

227. To Share A World

When memories pass over shadowed dreams
And the nightmares I once called my life,
I sometimes wonder how I made it through
And even what I'm still doing alive.
Forever in doubt, the days were cold,
The nights, desperate cries for help.
During the alcoholic afternoons
Of those lazy, misguided days,
I dreamt time and time again
Of a constant, trembling fear;
The fear that my life of such wondrous words
Would never matter to another soul,
And that from my birth through my final verse,
I would forever live a life alone.
Faces and names have come and gone
Since I dreamt of such heartache.
Some faces to be remembered, some forgotten,
Few to be embraced, many to be pushed away,
Yet, never did I meet someone
To take away my fear of loneliness
Until my life was blessed and I realized
Last night, I met
      the girl of my dreams;
Funny how I've known her
      all these long years.
Right before my eyes, she had to teach me
Of what happiness and love meant
Through her loving eyes and stubborn smile.
She put the nightmares in the past
And made my life heavenly, passionate bliss
So that one day we could share a world
Where nothing matters but happiness
      and the life we are destine to share...

December 17, 1992

226. Now I Leave You Behind

Put into your mind, my young angel,
Who thinks she's seen enough of the world
To tell me about life,
This ghostly image.......
Picture the sea crashing against the shore
With a large, glowing sun
Directly in front of your eyes,
Falling slowly behind the horizon.
Now see me, the boy you once loved,
Walking away from you towards the ocean,
Never looking back to you,
Only pushing steadily on,
Until finally, I disappear
Into the sea of my destiny.
Does this image strike your heart
Or is it still too cold to care?
Either way, whichever your heart will chose,
Remember that you pushed me away
When you try to come into my life again.
For when I am there, there with our dreams,
And you are nowhere to be found,
Though I may miss you, I will not feel pain.
I will only remember how I gave you everything
And you repaid me by going away
And coming back to me with a cold heart,
The same cold heart that one day you will see in me...

225. You Left Me Behind

Last night under a starry sky
       Along the shore
              Of an Ocean Blue,
I tried to recall
       What life was like
              Before you were my world.
All the years I spent alone,
       Crying night after night
              Under an alcoholic breath,
Were the root of my fears,
       Struggling to have a love
              I could call my own.
How cruel, you tease my heart,
       Giving me all I dreamt of
              And promising it to me,
So that just as I felt secure,
       You pulled it all away,
              As now, you only laugh.
Just remember, my dear,
       For a short time
              Our lives were one,
But I can see you’ve already forgotten,
       Forgotten our dreams,
              Just like you forgot
                     How much you loved me
My heart was murdered by merciless lies,
       Knives to cut out my teary eyes,
              And again we live separate lives,
                     Two different stories...
But also remember this:
       All the world shares one sunset
              And though you pushed me away,
                     Don’t forget to watch your back,
For when you turn around
       To see what is behind you,
              Your eyes may startle you to see
                     The past you threw away
                            Catching up with you...

224. After You Broke My Heart

So many long days it seems
   Since last pen kissed these pages,
      That I fight to remember
         Just what it was like
            To write a loving world
               And feel joy in my heart.
Here I sit, all alone,
   Trying to recall the love
      We promised to each other,
         The love to stun all the word
            And last forever through storm,
               Yet it has all gone away now.
How can you say
   That you will always love me
      When you left me and went away,
         Only to come back to me,
            And under teary eyes say,
               “I don’t know if I love you still.”
For year after year
   I could sit here and cry,
      Plaguing my conscience
         And asking myself why,
            But I think you, the one who left me,
               Don’t even know why you did.
Show me how you feel
   That I could make you a queen
      And give you the world,
         Yet your childish games
            And eye for a world of fantasy
               Took you and your heart away.
Nevertheless, I’ll turn and go,
   Run so very far away
      From the dreams
         We once called our own,
            But I beg of you one thing;
               Do not follow me to spite me.

For when I turn to leave
   After you’ve broken my heart,
      I want only one thing
         In all this twisted world,
            And that is for you
               To be gone from my life.
As we both know,
   All you will do,
      If you remain in my sight,
         Is torment my love
            And make me fall and beg
               For just one more night.
So now, take back the seed...
   The seed of love you planted
      Deep inside my heart
         And run away again,
            Never to return,
               For when you loved me no more,
                     A scar you left, never to fade,
                     Until my tears look on you no more.

223. Because You Love Me No More

Soft was the summer breeze,
Dancing through the trees
As I put hand into the sky,
And looked out through teary eye
To solemnly ask myself why
So many times in my short life
Have I borne this torch of strife.
Why, oh why, does this heartache
Make me want to run a stake
Into my heart that cries my tears,
A heart not to recover for a thousand years?
I ask my stars each and every night
To bless me and to give me might
So that one day I may look at you
And not cry until my eyes have turned blue.