February 14, 1998

343. Past Reflections #43 - Still "Disappointed" (1998)

As my twenty-third year
     draws to an end,
I look back upon the more recent years.
Funny how so much has changed
     in just the past few,
Yet when I look to my side,
     here, there is no one new.
There have been other lovers
     since "Disappointed" I once confessed,
     but not one girl was different,
     changed from the past unrest.
Faces have come and gone,
     and hearts have lied along the way,
But even years later,
     I still await the dawn of a new day,
I come to wonder if ever
     My Princess will cross my path,
Or if I shall die lonely,
     cursing Hell's fiery wrath.

342. Past Reflections #42 - My Love-Hate Relationship With My Verse... (1998)

How I wish I could sit
          each day
     And do nothing more
     Than write beautiful verse,
But what more is poetry
     Than wasting paper and lives...

341. Past Reflections #41 - The Emptiness You So Deserve (1998)

I remember watching two lovers
                                                   pass me by,
As I gazed at the love,
                                       the beauty
That filled the sky when their eyes met.

I remember watching you hold him,
                                                   tears in eyes
As you said you loved him,
Every moment you spent with him.

I remember watching him leave you,
                                                    smile on his face
As your heart he betrayed,
The wondrous love you had given him.

I remember watching you leave me,
                                                     to be with him
As I turn from your tear-filled
Face and leave you with the emptiness you so deserve.

340. Past Reflections #40 - Latin Ana (1998)

"Are you a Latin lover like me?" Ana asked.
     I wasn't quite sure how to answer.
Silly fool that I am,
     I thought she meant if I loved with
                              and Grace,
But had I known she wondered
     if one day I would draw a blade,
          cut out a lover's heart
                    and smile with triumph,
     As she did to me,
I think I would have answered

339. Past Reflections #39 - Marie MacDougall (1998)

Marie MacDougall
     changed my life.
You, my dear, may find
     such a thing absurd,
But before you make comment,
     listen again to these words.
In days gone by,
     when our troubled love
     smiled on seas so rough,
I tried time and again
     to rescue our doomed vessel
     and bring your heart safely to mine,
Yet you were under such a spell
     that when I reached out to save you,
     you chose to slip beneath the water and drown.
The idea that I was wrong for you,
     and that our love was doomed to fail,
     was placed upon you by Marie MacDougall.
That is why today,
     when our hearts have grown apart,
     I cannot help but think how
          Marie MacDougall changed my life.

338. Past Reflections #38 - Give Your Heart To A Stranger (1998)

What a fool I was
     to think I could come to know you.
Through the arduous days
     when we spoke of our dreams,
Through the warm evenings
     where we made so many of our early hopes
                                                           come true,
Through turbulent years,
     when we grew so far apart,
I never dreamt
     a day would come to pass
     when looking back,
     I would come to know
     the facts my eyes now do see...

You once said
     never would a soul exist
     through all of time
     that would love me
     the same as you,
Yet I come today to know the purest truth
     for your words, like you,
     turned out to not be true.

While I took such comfort in
     your loving embrace so familiar,
You turned out to be
     not worthy of my heart’s trust,
     just another in a long line of strangers.

337. Past Reflections #37 - Thoughts At The Pub #12 (1994)

So, this is life, huh?
          It's frightening as hell!
                    But, you know,
                              I think I like it anyway.

336. Past Reflections #36 - Not (1994)

How I've come to know
That today, as I gaze across
This quiet, ocean blue,
Words no longer have meaning.
Love is not love
Trust not trust
Words not words
Life not life.

335. Past Reflections #35 - Bright Neon Signs (1993)

Softly the sunlight began to fade and the bright neon signs came on, one-by-one all across the city.  The dank, hideous smell of money littered the evening sky as wallets came out of pockets and bills were stuffed into bras and stockings.  A little bit of a sexist, harsh statement.  Yeah, especially if you're one of those people who doesn't like to face reality.  I suppose you'd also be the kind of person, then, who pretended that there wasn't fourteen year-old kids buying little plastic bags with white powder in them, and you sure as hell don't want to believe that the fourteen year-old down the street from you is pushing her newborn son in a stroller.  Well, enough about you, what about the rest of us - those of us who face reality each and every day.  Sure, we may not ride around in expensive cars or dress in the highest fashion, but I can guarantee you, we know a hell of a lot more about life than you ever will.

334. Past Reflections #34 - Forgotten Souls (1991)

The cold hearts and souls of the men who are long gone with the wind and rain of last winter still haunt here during summer's day.  They speak none of their last hours, but their presence can be felt there under the shifting earth.  Their morbid eyes, some still open under the earth that covers them, stare up into the sky through the dirt and the weeds that grow above them.  Their cries have long been silenced by the passing of the sun and the moon over the howling wind.

333. Past Reflections #33 - An Unfinished Poem (1990)

It never ceases to amaze me that we always dream and long for the things in life that will either be very hard to grab hold of or virtually impossible.  With some people this is the case with a car, a house, fame, riches or prestige, but with this sullen boy's heart, it was a smile...a pair of dark eyes that could shun the beauty of the sunset...a laughter that always made me smile.

I can't recall the day that we first met.  It seems so long ago.  I know she hasn't always been there, but it seems as she has.  I can't remember not knowing her or knowing she was there.  Through all of my memories, I see her in some way.....

332. Past Reflections #32 - Confession (1990)

I sat, lost in the day,
Reading a dismal verse;
A remnant of the past,
That hurt in everway.

My words seemed so depressed,
Speaking of my own death,
Crying for my dead heart,
As my love I confessed.

331. Past Reflections #31 - Draining The Years (1990)

The cold winter breeze, swaying trees;
The sweltering tears draining the years.
My worthless life, shambles abroad;
My torn heart, crying in shame.

330. Past Reflections #30 - Ardor (1990)

Ardor, Love, and Life
That is why I sit silently.
I've told you before...
I need someone special to share with
My life, my words,

My life-long dream of love.
I know who she is,
But how can I tell her?
Here she sits, her hand on my shoulder,
Smiling at me...Reading my words.
Either a friend, or the lover I desire her to be,
Still, I need her in my life.
If only after I told her how I felt,
She'd still care for me just the same.
She's so special, so beautiful,
She means the world to me.
If only she'd open her heart, let me in.
Then the happiness of the world would be ours.

329. Past Reflections #29 - Manifesto II: Loneliness Will Keep Me Alive (1990)

Words have no meaning in the world of fear.
A flight of distant lightning is all that remains.
The night is dull, and this soul has no meaning here.
With all thoughts of being loved submerged.
My only dream is of a life that will bring tranquility.
These words that I write are of no meaning and no sense.
For in my world, there is no word for this feeling.
To all I say there is nothing in your world.
I see nothing there for me, and I see nothing for me here.
From words to voice and to words, there is nothing.
Spilling my heart out to someone who ignores love.
It is another year, and another heartbreak.
With nothing to gain, and nothing to fear.
For today will be the same, as tomorrow, and every day.
Loneliness keeps me alive

For I believe that if I were happy,
The struggle for life will be gone.
Live and let die, for the "venture" is over

And the struggle has begun.
Struggle my friend, struggle.
Venture into love,
Venture into the night

328. Past Reflections #28 - The Old Woman (1989)

There was once an old woman who lived in a shoe.  She had so many children that she didn't know what to do.  Her husband was fat - about 350 pounds, and sat on his fat ass all day.  He beat her up and yelled at her, hit the kids and got drunk all the time.  She was so old that her used lips were loose and not a single man could satisfy such a gaping span any more.  She sat always crying saying her life was a shame.  She wondered what happened to that one boy she used to date before she became a slut and sucked everything that moved.  She saw him one day as he drove up the street, money flying out his window, the Ferrari's new red paint looking oh so sweet.  He saw her too, though he didn’t recognize her at first, for he easily forgot the one girl in the world to whom he treated the best, gave everything to, and was fucked over time and time again.  After realizing it was her, he thought to himself over and over again about the plight of the old woman.  He had such a wondrous heart that he would help out any woman in the world who needed a hand, so he drove to the cheap side of town and stopped in front of the shoe.  The old woman came running out and saw how young he looked.  Before she could compliment him or even say a word, he smiled and said to her, "You know, this is what kept me going all those times you screwed me over.  I was nice and I didn’t do a thing to get back at you, but I knew then, just as I know now, that this moment in time will hurt you far more than any punishment ever could.  Look at your fat ass husband with no life.  Look at your old, tired body and I bet you haven’t two pennies in your pocket.  Now, look at this car, this wallet full of bills.  Look at my trim, young-looking body and a picture of my house full of wealth.  This all could have been yours, but you chose to screw me over, now I laugh at you for the rest of your life, knowing every day you will see an image of me like this.  So I offer a word of advice, try to enjoy your miserable life and smile right now as I drive away, for now let me say, Good-bye, have a horrible life, may you die in a ditch!"  He jumped on the gas and the car sped away, leaving the old woman to regret her life every single day.

327. Past Reflections #27 - Who will?

So tattered are sleepless dreams
That reality is no longer one
With mine eyes and mind,
But it is off playing with birds,
Open in mind like we all should bee...
Am I leading myself on?
     Well, if I don't, who will?

326. Past Reflections #26 - ...than it seems (1989)

Across the dreary gray skies and the dreams long gone with the wind and rain, all created by such a humble God as the one you portray, I have seen all of the greatness and beauty that life could yield, yet have always watched with tear-filled eyes as it slipped from my grasp.  I sit here in this hopeful visage, knowing if I believe that someday it will be mine if I keep believing, but there is a lot more to life than it seems.

325. Past Reflections #25 - Whispers (1989)

The sun falls behind the sea, as I whisper your name.
The power of a dream, lost as the moon shines upon the rising sea.
A dream of love, as it disappears from sight.
For perhaps it was never meant to be,
And I shall never again return to the arms of someone who cares.
Time has passed in the years since a subtle whisper of love has echoed through these ears.
The night has lost its meaning in a world of darkness.
I hold back the anguish of tears, as I write these words, for never before has a dream been chased so closely, and lost so quickly.
There is happiness still in my heart, for I know that you are happy, and the happiness of you matters more to me than mine.

324. Past Reflections #24 - The Morning Came Too Soon (1988)


     The worshipped sun peered forth the golden window of the east.  The desolation of the sea, which I admired with such passion, lay under my feet as the power of the cruise ship pushed it through the swells.  This is the other side of the famed "Christmas Cruise."  True, my heart was still very much in love with a girl back home who did not return my love, but in the drunken days that would follow, both my mind and heart were far from her.  Leaving behind my heart and mind for the very first time, allowed me to toss off the guilt and shame and dry up those painful tears of fancy.

     In celebration of the few good things in life, my grandparents arranged for me to accompany them on a cruise over the ocean blue.  We set out with my godparents and three of my cousins, one of whom I had grown close to in our childhood.
     Anyway, as I was saying, the cruise was arranged, and we were to be gone during the second-to-last week of December 1987.  Now, years later, I have come to realize how these seven short days would come to shape my life, and more so, how the emotions I felt and misadventures I had would mold me into who I am.  And here, today, I offer the events to your worthy eyes, the fortunate, kind, caring (is that flattery I hear?) souls who are taking the time to feel the emotions and read these words.
     So, as you read this, let me simply remind you of the emotions and intellect of a thirteen year-old boy.

The Morning Came Too Soon

     It was the middle of my seventh grade year at Willis H. Warner Junior High School and I was looking forward to Christmas vacation this year.  My grandparents, who I often traveled with, had decided that this Christmas, we would be taking a cruise to the Mexican Riviera.  Needless to say, I was very excited when Christmas was at hand and we were preparing for our trip.  Joining us on our seven day trip would be my godparents and my three second-cousins.  I was quite happy to learn that they would be accompanying us because I had spent many crazy nights with my cousins, partying and getting wild.  Being as I was thirteen years old, going on twenty-one, I was greatly excited about doing things that I considered crazy and wild.
     One of my cousins, Ross, was my age.  He and I had spent a good deal of time partying in the past.  I was also looking forward to this trip because my cousin Ross and I had heard from our friends about some of the insane things that happened on cruises.  I only hoped that the days of revelry would pull me out of the spiraling collapse of my heart and save it from the all-too-obvious fact that I was infatuation with a girl who did not return my love.
     The first day of our cruise was spent mostly unpacking and exploring the ship and what it had to offer Ross and me.  We mapped out all of the hot spots, the dark, cold, quiet spots, and of course, one of our number one priorities as 13-year-olds was to find out where to get the alcohol.  Sure, I was only in seventh grade, but I was already well on my way with the wonders of alcohol.
     The third night of the cruise, Ross and I began the evening by having dinner with the family at the fancy Riviera Restaurant.  After appeasing our family with a dinner appearance, Ross and I headed straight for the night show at the Tropicana Lounge.
     The shows on the ship were, in a simple description, "A la Las Vegas."  We had quite a time watching the beautiful women dancing in nearly nothing.  While we were sitting at the lounge table, watching the show intently, my eyes strayed over to the corner of the lounge.  It was a little dark during the show, but my instincts quickly led my eyes to the four young girls that were sitting in the corner booth.  I could only see one of the girls, but she was enough to keep my gaze attached to her.  The girl who had captured the full attention of my eye was just a shadow in the dim light, however, the heir about her peeked my interest.  After completing my look-over of the situation, I tapped Ross on the shoulder and made him aware that there were four young ladies of interest in the corner.
     Throughout the duration of the show, both Ross and I were straining our necks, trying to get a better look.  During a short intermission, Ross and I were conversing with our waitress and were distracted so we did not see the girls get up and leave.  When our waitress walked away to another table, my interest returned to the famed corner booth, but the girls were gone.  Needless to say, once the show had finished, Ross and I began a search of the ship for them that took us two hours.  Our search landed us on the main deck by the pool under a warm, starry sky.  By the time Ross and I caught up to the girl I saw in the shadows that I was admiring from afar, the group of four had dwindled down to only two, but since there were only two of us, Ross and I were pleased with the balance.
     Ross and I tried to be as debonair as possible, calling out to the two girls and walking after them.  The girls stopped, waited for us, and the introductions yielded that the dark-haired girl I had been admiring was named Stephanie and the very attractive blond girl with her was Angela.  In the first few seconds of speaking with Stephanie, I came to realize just how attractive she was.  She had a pale tone to her skin, accented with bright red lips, long curly dark strands and eyes bluer than the purest seas.  She was dressed so casually in a black leather skirt, heels and a green sweater, yet she carried herself so elegantly.
     Ross and I sat with the two girls at one of the dark tables, making small talk about school and home and family.  I was amazed to find out that Stephanie was only a year older than me, for she looked and acted so much older.  Also, I came to realize that Ross and Angela were hitting it off as well as Stephanie and me.  It was not long after that Angela proposed for her and Ross to take a walk together.  Stephanie and I decided to return to the lounge for a drink.

     The wind rattled the windows that lay before my eyes.  I stared blankly out, grasping in desperation, the frayed ends of sanity.  My mind was lost in a world of the extreme pain which had been inflicted upon my heart during the past few months.  A full moon cast a blanket of white light over the mysterious ocean.  My heart was free.  The swaying of the ship that lay under my feet seemed to be sailing to a world that did not exist for me -- a world of insanity that plagued my every thought with perversion, and my only dream, a portrait of a girl I hardly knew, yet felt a great deal of passion for.
     "What's the matter?" she said in a soft voice.
     "Nothing," I mumbled under my breath.
     "Tell me what’s wrong?" she demanded.  "I'm not blind!"
     "I don't know," I said, looking down to the small amount of alcohol left in the bottle that sat beside me.  "I guess that I'm just a little nervous."
     "Nervous about what?" she asked.
     As I stared hopelessly out the window, I felt a soft grip on my shoulder.
     Without looking back, I said, "Life."
     "What about life?" she asked, as she moved in close and kissed my ear lobe.
     "It's all a joke," I said with a sarcastic laugh.  "Here I am on a cruise ship, in this lounge, drowning my sorrow with a girl I don't even know, yet, caught up in the spontaneity of it all.  It means the world to me."
     "You know me," she said confidently.
     Slowly, I raised the neck of the bottle, tossed my head back, and drank what little liquor remained and set the empty bottle gently on the chair at my side.  I was drunker than I ever had been before, and with each second that passed, Stephanie looked more and more appealing.  "What could possibly come out of this?" I asked.
     I felt her soft dark hair caress my cheek and her hand slowly slide over my chest.  "Anything you want to make it," she said, kissing my ear again.  "We can make this whatever you want it to be."
     "I don't know what I want," I said, turning and looking into her eager eyes.  "What I want is a long-term relationship."
     She sighed, her breath laced with the same taste as mine.  "A lasting relationship, I can’t give you, but I can make both of us happy for the short time we have to spend together."
     I didn't want a short term happiness, but eternal happiness.  Well, that's what was going through my mind, yet my drunken heart was yearning for what little love it could find.  Staring into my eyes was a girl who I could very easily pretend to love.  Little did I know what a few short minutes of pleasure could fall into.
     Without hesitating, I bent slightly over to touch my lips against hers and felt my hand slowly reaching down past her elbow and her hip.  As my lips gently touched hers, my life flashed before my eyes, and I remembered the cold days I had spent dreaming of the ever-lasting love now passing through my thawing blood.  Slowly, I pulled my lips away from hers and looked down to her eyes.
     Before my mind could perceive what had already happened, Stephanie and I were in each other's arms, locked in a passionate embrace.  Our lips danced closely with a lusty gait.  Our hot breath and loud pounding hearts were our only music.  I tried vainly to resist, but instinct seemed to take over.  I had no choice but to yield to the desires of my body.  I thought of the love I wanted, the true love I needed -- so distant from what I was allowing to occur.
     "Let's go to my room," she suggested, already walking away from me.
     I followed Stephanie as well as I could, for my vision blurred as I tried to focus on the shadow fading into a dark ante-chamber.  I walked behind her into a bright hall and though the overhead fluorescent lights blinded me, they weren't bright enough to reveal to me the gravity of my situation.  We descended down a few flights of stairs -- practically stumbling on each step.  Finally, we arrived at the ever infamous Room 135, which to the best of my understanding, she was sharing with an older brother who had apparently been as lucky as I, and was not in need of his own room tonight.
     She switched on a light as we walked in, but my blood-shot eyes still couldn’t see clearly.  My heart skipped a beat in my nervousness as I heard the door close.  Sharply, I turned only to find Stephanie standing, leaning against the door, her right foot raised and pressed against it, her knee bent, and the soft skin pressed tightly against the leather skirt.  As I stood, staring blindly at a girl I hardly knew, but was falling more deeply infatuated with as every second passed.  She tossed her head back, her lips, a bright red, as, parted, her dark strands fell loosely over her shoulders and behind her back, and the tantalizing flesh of her pale-white neck beckoned me towards her, inch by inch, my willpower to resist growing weaker and weaker.
     Slowly, I walked over, my pulse pounding against the tension in my neck.  I rested my left hand against the warm leather over her waist and brought my right hand up to her cheek.  She tilted her head forward and looked into my eyes with a passion I had never felt before.  "Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked.
     For obvious reasons, I didn’t want to talk.  Without a word, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers again.  I felt her lean forward and stand up straight, our lips still together, as her hands reached to my waist.  As our tongue-tangled kiss fell deeper and deeper, she slightly pushed me away and took off my shirt.
     As the night grew later, and my intoxication grew deeper, I soon found myself in the comfort of her warm arms, tangled within her web.  I looked down to her bright countenance and the pillow that lay beneath her head as I felt her fingernails slicing into my back, draining the last bit of innocence that lay between our bodies.  The soft sighs of satisfaction that emitted from our lips seemed to echo through my ears as I still fought, just minutes before it all ended, to resist, but it was far too late.
     Loosely, I fell down to her side in the bed, my eyes still blurred and my body beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol.  As I lay there, motionless, I felt her warm hand upon my cheek, and her finger rub over my lips.
     "You never answered my question," she said softly, moving closer to me.
     My head began to spin and I felt my stomach turning.  "What question?" I asked, rather impatiently.
     "Do you think I am pretty?" she asked in a soft tone of voice.
     I looked to her fair face, still illuminated in the dark.  Her blue eyes looked even more beautiful that they had an hour before, but now, at this moment, all in the world seemed more beautiful than before, and even death would have been shrouded in grandeur and grace.  "Would I be here, with you, if I didn't?" I asked.
     "Yes," she said, smiling
     I sighed and reached down my side, taking her hand in mine.  "Well," I said, nervously - I know not why I was nervous at this point in the night - "I think you're very pretty."
     Stephanie smiled and stared up to the ceiling.  She knew she was beautiful.  I lay back, still holding her hand, and again asked my still pounding heart why I was there.  I thought of so many things, my mind fogged by the spur of desire that had torn me from my morality.  Thoughts of the ever-lasting relationship I so desired filled my conscience as I felt a cutting pain in my soul.
     "You know," Stephanie said softly, "the cruise is almost over and we live so far from each other, and--"
     I sat up and gazed into her eyes.  They no longer seemed as warm, and now, much more empty.  "And what?" I asked, already knowing the answer.  I can’t recall why I was upset.  It was not as if I did not know the line was coming.
     I'm not sure why, but Stephanie chose not to answer me, but simply wrapped her arms around me and fell asleep.  When the morning came, my heart was oh so empty as we exchanged very few words; all small talk, nothing important.  I walked silently back to my room, realizing just how empty an act I had committed the night before.  She and I never spoke again.

One Year Later...
     My heart fell suddenly as I remember her eyes.  The notions had passed, my mind was long last, and I sat to write upon the paper of life.  Why was I falling so deep again?  I couldn’t even answer my own questions anymore, let alone the constant battery of events that continued to plague my breath every day and weaken my knees.  So few were the joyous moments that I had forgotten what it was like to smile.  For some reason, I kept living in the past, holding the hand of past beauty and fearing the future.  It all got to a point where I could no longer hear the scent of soft skin as it rested against mine, the taste of beauty under my breath seemed to leave a bitter shock more often than not.  And still, with all of the precious love in my heart, no beauty wanted it, nor my plain face, but each beauty passed me with her nose strung into the wind, her heart walled, and her feet pounding viciously upon my heart as it lay upon the pavement.
     What would make this occasion different?  I could only hope it would be.  I could only long to fall deep within my heart again... 

323. Past Reflections #23 - The Forbidden World Of Happiness (1988)

Sadness has left this face.  Depression has left this mind.  This frown has fallen in battle with my forbidden world of happiness.
Think of you, I still do.  Dance with you in my dreams of hope, I still do.  Cry, I do not.  Die, I do not.  I shall be happy in the four years that are to follow.  Happy on the outside, and the inside, but deep down I shall be thinking of you, and the gorgeous smile and laughter.  Deep down I shall have the lost dream.
For it shall be only by the mishap of a deadly mistake that I shall give up.  I shall only be hunted.  I shall not hunt.  You may not yet understand these words, but remember them, and when you see me, perhaps you will comprehend them.

322. Past Reflections #22 - More Than She'll Ever Know (1988)

     These words of experience are a reminder of life.  The overwhelming reading and writing of the incessant school is completed, and my nightmare is shadowed over into a dream.
     I know little of who she is, or what she dreams about.  She stands right next to me, yet will she ever know how I feel?  Just yesterday, our eyes met inconspicuously.  My attention immediately turned to her, as she smiled.  It was a friendly smile, but deep inside, I feel it carried a little more.
     She’s so beautiful, but can I ever tell her?  She’s so close to me, yet she’s so far away.  Perhaps someday she will read these words, but perhaps not.  If only she knew.  If only I could pass this fright and tell her how I feel.  Maybe someday, these words will tell her what I’ve been trying to say for what seems like an eternity.
     These are so many words to say, but how can I put these feelings into words?  Every time she passes by me, I gaze at her, until my eyes can no longer bare the sight of these empty arms.
     She’s so joyful and happy whenever I see her.  I guess this makes me happy, too, so I think how she could turn my life around.  My mind is hardly ever set on anything but her, and her smile makes me need her love more than she’ll ever know.
     Maybe she’ll know someday, but that’s a lot of somedays.  I say to myself that I will tell her, but I never do.  When our eyes meet again, I will not turn away.  When the time is right, she’ll know, but until then, I’ll keep my feelings inside.

321. Past Reflections #21 - Lost In Heaven (1988)

There is an answer somewhere to these cries.  I am changing in my mind, but my heart rests entirely on your love.  It’s been such a long chase - a chase that has fallen prey to this game we all know as life
A dream that was just beyond my fingertips.  Chasing right behind it for what has seemed an eternity.  So close, yet a particle of a feeling behind.  A dream at the fingertips, yet too far to grab hold on to.  It is a frustration that could rattle the mind of the mad.  A frustration that could bring tears to the eyes of the strong, and bring terror to the unfortunate ones.
I was so close.  I was so far.  I was so lost.  I was so dead.  I was so alive.  I was lost in heaven.

320. Past Reflections #20 - Looking Out My Window... (1988)

The sun beat incessantly upon the roof.  A gentle wind slowly brushed through the leaves and shot straight up into the sky.  The minuet details of the day were all in perfection.  It was a day of beauty, and somehow the perfection was too overwhelming.

319. Past Reflections #19 - Remember (1988)

Every now and then I write to let you know - to let the world know.  Some say I am weird to want to give someone a work of writing, but I give these words of my heart to you.  These words are not to be passed, or tossed off into the fires of the unseen realm.  Perhaps I am indifferent.  Perhaps I am strange.  Perhaps you may soon hate me.  Perhaps you already do.
Read these words with your heart.  Accept them, do not betray them.  I ask nothing of you.  I ask to be remembered.  I ask you to accept these very words, the words of the fictional world.

318. Past Reflections #18 - Days Of The Black Death (1988)

     Death lurks beyond every corner, every shadow.  The Black Death hath taken all from us - our children, our health, our sanity, our future.  Just last night alone, in our once-fair city streets, one hundred-fifty perished.  All either bitten by the dark rodent, or the carrying wind.  Our friars line the street praying to the heavens, fearing the end of the world.  They pray, but to what God?  What God would put us through all of this, this Hell of death?  “Pray,” say I, “we cannot stay, come now, let’s away,” but there is no escape - no where to go.  No life will remain in just a few years time.

317. Past Reflections #17 - You Chose Him (1988)

I walk to you to whisper a gentle hello,
When blinding my eyes was the beautiful sunlight
Shimmering upon the subtle tears
Running down your soft cheeks...

316. Past Reflections #16 - Darkest Night (1988)

Darkest Night,
     Give to me the pain
          You know I’ll always welcome
               With open arms and the
                    Shattered dreams of angels.

314. Past Reflections #14 - Methods Of Silence (1988)

What your
         Methods Of Silence
   Perceive in your eyes,
         Could do little
                  To ridicule me.

313. Past Reflections #13 - Forgotten Whispers (1988)

     I sit here alone, wishing that she were in my arms.  I long to run my fingers through her hair and feel her body next to mine, as we sit, hand in hand, gazing up at the stars.  I see this in my heart, but I know in my mind that it will never happen.
     Her tender lips touch against mine, as I caress her back.  My dreams of love come true, as she softly whispers, “I love you,” in my ear.  I am holding her tight now, praying that she will never let go - that she will never leave.
     Is this a dream, or is it a dream come true?
     Now, she is letting go.  I feel her slipping away, and her hand leaving mine.  I’ve lost her, and she’ll never return.
     My life is in her eyes, as my future is in her smile.  My dreams are in her laughter, and my hopes are in her dreams.  She’s so beautiful, yet so far away from me.
     She looks into my eyes with regret.  She turns away and looks to me again.  Then, she looks away and walks from my sight, knowing I long to embrace her frail figure in my arms.

     I sit here alone, wishing...

     It happened today - it happened everyday.

312. Past Reflections #12 - Groveling Fool (1988)

My words are so brave,
But I am so weak.
“I will forget you,”
I laugh,
“Never again will I care.”
Groveling fool that I am.

310. Past Reflections #10 - Just Me (1988)

What you see in your eyes --
What you feel in your heart --
     My God, can’t you understand?
     --it’s just me.

309. Past Reflections #9 - The Last Cry For Love (1987)

Hatred. Love.
A mixture that should never be combined.
The joining of two, made on the Eve Of Angels.
The human heart, saved by no one,
As our love was murdered this cruel and spiteful night.
A gun, a fire, a knife, a cry.
All made to pierce the flood of hatred, and the forbidden flesh.
The entire realm of love, lost on this day into utter madness,
Gone from all, forever.
I hold the truths of all love.
In one hand, the heart, the soul, your love, my love.
In the other, denial, rejection, betrayal, the realm of an odyssey.
The obsession never to be forgotten, in those deep eyes, and that bright,
     beautiful smile.
The story of my life --
Told by few, unheard by many.
For those who shall be loved,
And those who will, and do, love,
I say to thee:
Watch thy humble soul, and thy wanting heart.
For you may lose them, as have I, to the obsession.
Bear it well, my friend,
Bear it well, my brother,
Bear it well, my one and only obsession.

308. Past Reflections #8 - A City Of Lights (1987)

A city of lights, on the edge of forever,
   A million girls walk its streets.
A city of lights, destine for eternity.
A city of lights, when all love is gone,
   Gone into the hell of all hatred.
A city of lights, thrown into madness,
   Of all of this life, I see only you.
A city of lights, lost into Hell,
   The flame of my love for you will only grow.
A city of lights, with a thousand crimes,
   Please forgive my soul for its crimes of passion.
A city of lights, fallen into the fire of the night,
   My love for you shall always burn.
A city of lights, beyond revival,
   My heart, unable to love again.
A city of lights, a fallen mistress,
   I am not one to treat you this way.
A city of lights, the great sacrifice,
   I would do anything for one more try.
A city of lights, the neon signs,
   A dream of kissing you.
A city of lights, a published verse,
   I am committed to only you.
A city of lights, a million liars,
   Don't let him hurt you this way.
A city of lights, with little good,
   I would never lower myself to hurt you.
A city of lights, owned by the night,
   When all of this love is gone.
A city of lights, full of lost dreams,
   Dreams swallowed into the night.

307. Past Reflections #7 - Morrissey (1987)

     The walls of his world fall around him.  The gateways to his heart collapse as sorrow gorges in.  He writes his words of sorrow and pain, and of his infinite love.  He sings of losing the one he loves more than life, as I have done in my past.  I love her dearly and would do anything to get her back.
     He helps to shadow the sorrow I have in my heart, yet makes my eyes cry for you, as I have ever since I lost you.  He sings of his deep pain, and I feel that I am not alone, yet I am.  He sings of death and destruction, in the lost eve, and the love lost on the day of sadness.  He sings of the utter conflict in my heart, and the flame of love in my heart, which will always burn for you only.  May his empire spread over all, and may my love for you grow with each night I am without you.  As long as I am alone without you, The Great One shall sing on in my heart, as I remember the one I lost so blindly.

306. Past Reflections #6 - The Very End (1987)

Voices yell out in my head.
Bursts of fire fill my dreams of the future.
The end of the world is not in the distance, but here, tomorrow.
The end of the world is here, as long as I am without her love.
Everyday that I am without her, the end grows nearer.
For if the world were to end, I would want my last minutes to be spent
   with her.
I would love her and hold her tight.
I would protect her, and die for her love,
   In the ever-lasting, very end.

305. Past Reflections #5 - Frustrated Love (1987)

The bound’ries of all reality fall under constant battery of the insane.
The entire world of hell, lost so blindly to the obsession of love.
The utter frustration, love, anger, hatred, sadness, madness.
I shake in my feelings, needing to release my anger.
I speak of you always.
I cannot seem to forget the love you gave me.
Told am I to find someone else.
But I could not.
Sit with “someone else” but my thoughts would be only of you.
I cry in my feelings, needing to release this sadness.
I walk lonely always.
I just can’t stop thinking of you.
I listen to the words of pain as I break down in tears.
I block the rest of the world out, in silence, as I hold this camera in my hand.
As I work, taking this picture of lost beauty, I think of only you.
I think of you always.
Everything I see reminds me of you.

304. Past Reflections #4 - My Love, My Anger (1987)

I see you wearing your pink and white.  My love overwhelms me and yet anger rages in my blood.  I love you more than I could ever say.  My anger, as I don't have your love, rages at this very moment.  My fist crashes against this wall, as my knuckles split.  Your smile and laughter, I see all of the time.  Your beauty and wonder overwhelms me,  All I can ever manage to think about is you.
I ask around, because I am too shy to ask you.  I hear you love him, but he feels nothing for you.  At this, my anger grows.  How could anyone not love you?  I have told you these words before, but you turned and walked far away.  I love you.  Don't turn away this time.  If I get a second chance, I’ll do anything for you.
As I write these words I am so frustrated that I could break down and cry in pain for your love, but at the same time, I could strike someone down, in my anger, for I live without your love.  I have waited so long just to tell you this.  Now, let me prove it.

303. Past Reflections #3 - The Last (1987)

The last battle calls shall ring this night.
In all who live, and all who die.
Our soldiers fall in the dark night.
He dies for you, he dies for all.
Tomorrow is for love, in both our hearts.
The Last Fire shall rage, as tonight there is death.
Tomorrow shall bring the new life.
My life shall end, yet I see not why.
I am in need of your true love.
A Masquerade of all who’ve died.
The death squadron is here to stay.
When you are held, I shall give up my life,
I shall die for you because you are the one I need.
The Last Bomb hits, and all life is gone.
My love shall still go out to your heart.
This love is now yours, so do not give it away.
I’ve said it quite enough, but let me love you.
The Last Gun shall fire.
The Last Life shall fall this night.
Why must it be me?
When all is gone and lost...remember these words:
I love you,
I need you,
I want you.
My love is yours.

302. Past Reflections #2 - Words Could Never Tell You (1987)

     The great silence has filled my body.  My life is filled with depression.  I walk around, holding my tears back.  I know that I have changed, only you do not.  I have built up so much love for you over these lonely months.  I looked at your picture every night, as I thought of that smile, and your utter beauty.  I see that smile in my dreams.  I walk in silence from place to place.  I cannot speak, for I would simply say your name, and everyone would know of this love for you.  I watch you for eternity, and yet get no reply.  I would take the never-ending silence, for your love.  I cannot listen to the voices of music.  With every song I hear, you fill my mind.  I picture myself embracing your beauty, but then, you walk away, and I stand in tears.  I remember your tender lips against mine, as I held you tight.  I remember your smile, and your eyes.  They were so close to me.  Your gentle touch on my face.  Your soft hand in mine.  Your head resting on my shoulder.  I dream of loving you forever.  I could give you all the love you need, and the relationship both of us need.  I cannot say it enough, for words cannot tell you how much I love you, just let me show you.

301. Past Reflections #1 - The Legend Of Love (1987)

     From beginning to end affectionately, from start to finish gratefully, from here to the great eternity, without costly in-betweens.  Still looking for a girl fit for this world?  I have found one, who shall brighten my every moment.  One who will bring the realm of happiness back to this world of hell.  One who will leave me breathless and steal my heart from its resting place, in the dark of the night.  When the shimmering shadows of the night fall upon this place of simple madness, she will rise and live in my eyes forever.  She will create and fulfill the one and only...Legend Of Love...