September 30, 1992

220. While You Were Away: "Disappointed"

What words can I find
To tell you how I feel?
Such dreams we shared,
Such memories we’ve made,
(Already seeming to fade with time)
Yet, now, the story seems to end.
I’ve cried so, so many tears
And now, there is nothing left to do,
But take time to wonder
Just what it was all for.
Now, I can only look to tomorrow,
And though I’ll never dance
Upon the evening sky
As I once did with you,
I’m venturing onward to find
A heart that won’t leave me...
       To feel so disappointed.......

219. While You Were Away: What If She Had Never Left

              He watched the colors fade,
              They dim...
              He tried to keep open his eyes,
              For he wanted to see her,
              Yet as he waited and waited,
              Sleep gripped his frame.
              All fell to black...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       However many times I recall this tale over and over in  my mind, I cannot help but wonder if it could have been me...
       He always remembered the first time they spoke, yet he was never quite sure of the first day they met.  Well, now it seemed as if she’d always been in his arms.  he swept her off her feet, like any Romantic should, yet his heart, soul and mind were all of true intent.  They had grown close quickly and fell in love with such bliss.  he loved her more than anything in all this world, or any other.  He sought out the best - the best gifts, the best places, the best times, the greatest of love, and for her, topped them over one more.  Deep in her heart was a wondrous happiness he had never known.  Their love was inseparable, their hearts, inseparable...well, at least until the story truly began on that rainy, dreary morning in the month of May...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       He sat quietly next to her in the car, watching the soft raindrops fall quietly upon the windshield.  He held her so close to him, feeling her touch, longing to show her just how much he loved her.  he touched her fingernails and ran his hand over the ring he gave to her.  With  each new day they faced in the  world together, he was falling deeper and deeper into the life he wanted to share with her.  Yet, as he drew near to kiss  her, he felt the sweat on her palm and saw her eyes look away.  He pulled away to look at her, yet she still did not look into his eyes.
       “What’s wrong, my love?” he asked tenderly, worried that something was bothering her.
       “Nothing,” she said as her eyes looked to him for a split second and then darted away.
       “Why won’t you tell me?” he asked, his countenance painted with loving concern.
       “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
       “Why not?” he asked, puzzled.  “If something’s bothering you, shouldn’t we talk about it?”
       “Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.” she said quietly under her breath.  He sat up and listened anxiously, his eyes admiring her beauty and the love they shared.  “Well,” she said, looking into his eyes for the first time all morning, “a friend of mine is planning on taking a trip this summer to Spain, and I’m considering going.”
       He looked to her, his eyes already watering.  “For how long?” he asked, hiding his tears.
       “Not long at all,” she said quickly.  “Only about two or three weeks.  I know I promised you this summer that we would be together everyday, but...”
       She trailed off as he looked away from her in confusion.  He wondered why she wanted to leave his side and run so very far away.  She had always said that she wanted to live somewhere else, but he coped for she told him she stayed in this horrid place for him, yet now, she wanted to take away the summer she promised to him, the one boy in the world who would have run on his own sword for her.
       “Well,” she said, trying to win back his glance, “don’t worry.  I probably won’t end up going anyway.”
       He gave a phony smile, trying to reassure himself, for her felt that is she loved him as she said, why would she want to leave?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

              Walking in the evening air,
              Standing on the shore where
              First he gave her a part
              Of his warm, tender heart.
              He gazed over the sea he adored
              And prayed to his Lord
              That she who he loved more than his life
              Would not leave to bear his strife.
              He pleased with her, even fell to his knees,
              The tears in his eyes cold like the evening breeze,
              And asked her not to run away,
              But to love him and to stay.
              She smiled; said she didn’t want to go,
              But wanted to hold him to show
              All the world the love she felt,
              And even with tears she dealt.
              “Fear none,” she said, “for me love will prevail,
              And away from you, I shall never set sail.”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       The sun was slowly setting beyond the trees and the beautiful landscape of abundant greens and shady browns as he stared across the grassy meadow.  The twilight pierced his eyes as he held the fair maiden’s hand, her dark hair swaying at his breath, her eyes glimmering at his glance.  Quietly, they walked through the park, hand-in-hand, stopping occasionally in the shadows of the trees to hold each other tight.
       “You look so beautiful, my love, “ he said with a sigh.  She looked to the ground, her cheeks blushing as they did whenever he told her so.  “I never want this to end.  I never want to leave you, or for you to leave me.”
       At this, her blush ran from her face and the nervousness took control of her wandering eyes.  “I’ve been thinking of the right way to tell you this, and the right time, because  I  want you to know that I really  do love you so, but I’ve decided what  I  want, and I leave for Spain next month.”
       The words shook his frame and he tried to fight his tears.  He couldn’t believe what he heard, that she who said she would never leave, never do anything to hurt him, decided to leave him.  With such pain in his heart, all he could manage to utter was, “How long?”
       “Twenty-eight days,” she said, smiling, ignoring the frown on his face.
       “I just have this horrible feeling, “ he confessed, holding back the tears, “that when you return, the first time you see me once you are back, that something will have changed and we will never be the same.”
       “Don’t be silly,” she said with a smile.  “What could change in a month?  It’s not like I’m leaving you,” she reassured herself, yet she knew she was...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       Until the day she left, he struggled in torment to understand why his love was going away.  She told his that it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, but the again, so is true love.  He wept and worried silently and alone, for she told him she didn’t want to see him cry because it upset her, and naturally he, out of love, hid his pain and his tears, even down to the last second when she drove away, his eyes not to see her for thirty-two days...
              Wretched, cursed tears, how I tried to hide you,
              So that she could not make out your frame on my face.
              She needed to see you not, but so I would think,
                                  neither did I.
              You know she is to leave, but I ask you, cursed tears,
                                  what may you do?
              Ease her leaving, you wretched fool,
              Be gone, cursed tears, until after...
                     after your eyes have looked upon her the last,
              For tears may make her want to stay here in this horrid place,
                     and deep inside, you know she wants to go away.
              Why keep her here if she will not be happy?
              Hold you back, I will, cursed tears,
                     so that you will not sway her favor,
              For what matters is not me, but what is in her heart,
                     as we both know if she wanted to stay, she should,
                     and if she wants to run away, nothing will stop her,
                                  and she will go,
                     so why should you make her feel the same pain I do?
              Oh, cursed tears, let her run, run so far away,
                     to leave me here with you, my scorned, wretched, cursed tears.......

       And as he stood there, watching her leave, he dreaded that his nightmare might come true, that when next she saw him, all would be changed...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       Simple words could never tell how much he missed her.  The sleepless nights, the never-ending tears, all the words he wrote; nothing could hide the pain of his days without her.  His life seemed incomplete, a dreadful, longing span with no sunshine, no end to the darkness.  He said even his eyes ached because he had not seen her.
       Because of this, you cannot imagine his joy when the day for her to come home was at hand...

              He quickly jumped into his car,
              His destination not very far.
              Only to the flower shop two streets down,
              For today, his love would end his frown.
              He want to buy thirty-two roses,
              One for each sleepless night she was away,
              To give to his love when he saw her eyes,
              The one thing that could brighten his skies.
              I really can’t say
              What happened that day,
              Upon who lies the blame,
              Or where to place the shame,
              But as out of the car he stepped,
              Forward another leapt.
              They said he was hit at forty-five,
              And it was a miracle he made it
                     to the hospital alive.......

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

       The doctors tried for hours on end to repair the shattered bones, the twisted flesh and to stop the bleeding.  They wheeled him in and out of surgery, so many rooms, so fast, so frantic.  He woke twice all the while, once to fell the pain, and the second time to cry out her name.  Finally, when the doctors had done all they could, they wheeled him into a bright-colored  room to see if he’d come back, or just fade away.
       He opened his eyes slightly as he felt his mother’s hand in his.  He felt sorrow at her tears, and despite the pain, wanted to comfort her.  “I want,” he whispered as loud as he could in spite of the pain to breath, “I want to see her.. I will be all right as long as I can see her.”
       His mother shook her head, knot knowing what to do, what to say.  “Hold on.  She’s on the way.  The plane just landed.”
       Expecting to see his joyful smile with a bouquet of flowers she just somehow knew he would have waiting for her, it was such a surprised look on her face when she not him, but her tearful mother, quickly waving her over.
       “All I want is to see her one more time,” he prayed inside his mind,” then I will go happily.  The colors are beginning to’s getting harder to see.  No, let me stay, stay just long enough to see her, please, I beg.”  But, it was all in vain.  He watched the colors fade.  They seemed so dim.  He tried to keep open his eyes, for he wanted to see her, yet as he waited and waited, sleep gripped his frame.  All fell to black...
       By the time she got there, his mother had been carried away from her dead son, frantically kicking and screaming.  he looked so peaceful, just lying there.  She walked over and took up his hand.  She longed to see the sparkle in his eyes, yet never again would it be.  So much had changed, never to be the same, as she bowed her sullen head to cry and wondered, “What if I had never gone away.......”

218. While You Were Away: As The Fairy Tale Ends

I always felt so in love with you,
As if times would never end,
And your eyes would always sparkle.
We lived a fairy tale in real life
And our world was the most beautiful
Of anything ever created.
We had such bliss, such a wealth of love,
Yet now, you seem to feel,
After you ran away for a short while,
That this fairy tale is no more.
I wonder if it was all a dream,
If I made up our tale in my mind,
But I know it had to be real,
For I would not be crying this way.
I just never knew a fairy tale
That ended in such tragedy as did ours
The day you went away.......

September 29, 1992

217. While You Were Away: A Part Of You Will Always Be Gone

I didn’t want you to go
For some selfish reasons, I suppose,
Yet the true reason was
I knew my splendor in your heart,
All of the dreams and wonder I gave,
Would fade like a still portrait
Left out in the rain.
I hold you in my arms
Now that you are home,
And still, you feel not the same
As when you left.
A part of you was left behind,
Dreaming forever in Barcelona..
You tell me you’re happy to be here,
Back in this horrid place with me,
Yet how can I believe that,
For I took you to seethe ocean,
The beautiful beach we called our own,
And you no longer said,
“What a beautiful sight,”
But sharp from your tongue,
My shore was no longer beauteous
Because “the Mediterranean is prettier.”
With those words, I felt only one thing;
That my world and its treasures,
Even my love and my dreams,
Were no longer good enough
For you and all you think you have seen.......

216. While You Were Away: Why Did You Leave Me Behind?

Over and over, one hundred times each day,
You could tell me why you went away,
But how could I try to understand
Why you left my side?
You told me you’d miss me
And you loved me more than life;
That you’d not be happy without me;
Your time alone would bear such a strife,
Yet I ask of you this:
If you love me so much,
                Why did you still leave.......

215. While You Were Away: Temptations

I knew not what it felt like
To have you gone so far away.
My heart was in such turmoil
And each night I’d cry,
       Cry myself to sleep.
My arms longed to hold you so,
And I felt like I was incomplete.
Many-a-night I’d be out walking,
Trying to forget
How long would pass
Until my eyes would see you again.
Wicked hands reached out,
Trying to take my away from you.
Temptations and grandeur,
I turned each one away,
For I was in your heart,
And so I Belonged To You.
Such warranted dreams
I wanted to fulfill,
Yet I shattered their chance
Of becoming reality
For I had pledged my love to you.
And with such temptations,
I knew you had yours...
All lone in a far-off land,
No hand of theirs to control you.
For the first time in its span,
Your life was your own.
You told me he tried to kiss you,
Yet you turned and walked away.
Believe you, I would,
If your love seemed the same,
Yet now, your love is not passion,
And I cannot help but wonder
What is true, or what is false.
You tell me I was your only thought
Through all the time you were away,
Yet now that you see me,
It is as if you missed me
                     none at all.
Hiding behind these tears,
I cannot say what I believe,
But maybe if you tried
To show me your love,
I could believe that it was true.......

214. While You Were Away: My Love Grew Fonder As You Disappered

When first you told me
That you were going away,
You said to me that
I should not worry or fret,
For though my eyes
Would not see you,
And my heart would miss you,
Absence would make my heart grow fonder.
I never believed such a thing,
For it seemed so unreal, impossible,
Yet, my love, you were right.
Not seeing you made me love you more,
Yet why, oh, why, did not seeing me
Make you love me less than before?
My trust I put in you,
As well as my hopes and dreams,
Yet when you returned,
Your heart had not grown fonder,
And your touch had turned cold.......

213. While You Were Away: Where Have You Gone?

I remember the moment clearly;
The moment when you said goodbye to me.
Quickly, you ran away
So that I would not see your tears.
Oh, how I felt that you loved me,
Loved me more than anything in all the world.
Your glances were all mine;
You ventured not to even look at another.
Your heart was one with mine;
Our dreams, our love, were all one in the same.
Your passionate sighs were soft;
More beautiful than you will ever know.
Yes, I have seen you since then,
Since you left and ran away;
Though your beautiful face,
Your warm, loving voice,
And even that wondrous smile
              All stood before me,
I have not felt the warmth of your touch,
And I cannot help but wonder
What happened to the girl who left me
Just two months ago,
For though you are here,
              She has not yet returned.......