231. "Happy Christmas..."

Sitting here, quietly,
Like I have so many days before,
Clouds closing in around me,
Staring, Gazing, Watching, Admiring
This quiet, somber, beautiful picture of you:
Your hands wrapped around mine,
My arms wrapped around your waist,
That smile so joyous, so beautiful--
God, you were so beautiful--
We were so beautiful, you and I.
And now, look where we’re at;
Apart, separate, different lives,
Hoping, praying, that one day, we’ll cross again...
That one day I’ll look into those eyes
And they’ll look back,
And when I say, “I love you,”
They’ll say, “I love you, too.”
God, how I constantly recall the memories we made.
The dances, the smiles, the waves, the laughter, the tears.
So quiet are they now...
So quiet are the memories.
So many Holidays...
Halloween...one of the first nights that we spent together.
Christmas...Christmas joy and cheers and the smiles that I never knew.
      Your Christmas tree at your house; I’ll never forget the way we decorated it,
      just you  and me, laughing and smiling, wondr’ing what tomorrow would bring.
      We were so happy then.
I often wonder sometimes if you remember...if you remember the memories.
How can I forget Your Birthday?  January Nineteenth.  The day was spent together
      sharing, cherishing, wondering what life would bring to us.  You were only
      sixteen.  The world was at your feet...I was at your feet.  I would have done
      anything in the world for you.
      And you sit here now...sit here, reading these words...the words of this
      tormented, childish boy who would run...run not away...but run on his own
      sword for you.
      Dancing, laughing, sharing the most joyous of your birthdays with you.  The
      day you tried not to be daddy’s little girl anymore.  The day that you began to
      struggle to be a woman.  How I remember that night...holding you.  If I could
      count the times I had tears in my eyes...the times they almost fell during that
      one single night that I shared with you, then maybe, just maybe, you would
      know just how much you and your heart, and the little things...the little things,
      the roses, Valentine’s Day, the Christmas tree, sitting on the couch
      holding each other, the movies, all meant to me.
Look to the back roads, the back streets of your mind, where I’ll always be.
Wandering, wandering through
The rooms in my head,
I sit there.
And there isn’t one room;
Not a single room in all my mind,
Where there’s not a memory of you.
“Happy Christmas, Baby.”
For I’m sitting here,
A year after we shared our last Christmas,
Thinking how I love you...
      How I love you more than all the world.
God, help me fight back these tears
      So that I may finish!...
Finish these words so that I may get on with my life.
As I said before, before these words choked up my spirit
And let these tears fall,
It was the little things....the little things that we shared...
      that always made me...made me want to live...
And now, they are all gone;
Gone never to return.
Sitting here, in a house full of people.
Hiding in my own little room,
The door locked, the room quiet...
So much joy and cheer all around the house
And all I can do is cry.
Staring at this picture, the frame,
Wondering what it really meant to you
And what it means now,
For I fall now to my knees in this solitude,
Raise my hands, my teary eyes to the sky,
Knowing that you’re sitting so far away.
yet so close,
Happy, joyous in your new life,
Your life without me,
And do you know what I say?
Amid these tears so strong that I cannot breath,
I look to the sky and I say,
“Happy Christmas, Tiffany...happy Christmas...”
            How I miss you.  The tears will not stop.......